I'm not really sure who I am writing this to, or really why. But writing does heal, to some extent.
We still want to foster to adopt, but it sure isn't easy to follow your heart sometimes! Especially when other people are not on board where your heart is leading.
We found out that while Madison's DCFS team are finally not opposed to us having visits with her, it has to go through her Judge. Which has obstacles of its own. We grieve Madison still, and always will I'm afraid.
With the other girl for whom we have been selected as foster to adopt parents for Shelly (also not her real name), BUT her team doesn't think she's ready for parents. Like many professionals, they expect her to somehow get stable BEFORE she goes to a permanent home. But we have learned that it takes permanency before they eventually become stable.
So it's tiring, and we wish sometimes we could just move on to the next stage of life without this step. But something keeps us here, and we believe it's the sense that our family is not yet complete.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Why NOT you??
So I had this conversation the other day with Mark, since like the 100th person asked us, "Why would you want to do this? You have a nice peaceful life, you could look forward to retirement. Are you crazy??" Yes, a little bit. And points are well taken.
Why? We don't know why exactly. It feels like one of the things we are supposed to do in this life, to give another child (or several children) a permanent home and eternal family. (I'm sure I've blogged about this before.) We are so happy to have the five great kids we have! But somehow, we feel like we aren't done yet. So we are following our hearts, something that we hope others will and do understand, despite its craziness.
BUT, I have come up with a new question, that is probably far more direct and to the point, and quite frankly, almost rude, but the answer is, when someone asks us about why we want to give a home to one of the thousands of children in the US without one, "Hmm, the real question is, 'Why don't you??"
There, I've said it. It's out there. We are not trying to do this for our own selfish needs. We are not trying to do this to fill our empty home. Before Madison, we LIKED our empty home. We are not doing this because we are bored and having nothing else to do. We are not doing this to make up for something lack. Our purpose, before Madison, was altruistic. We are doing this because it needs to be done, because we have love and space in our home and hearts for other children, and because we can.
So, when you someday, get to that point in your life, when you ask God, as I did, "What else can I do?" you might want to consider this as part of your answer. :) And if you decide this IS or ISN'T the answer for you and your family, that is just fine. I will support you!
Why? We don't know why exactly. It feels like one of the things we are supposed to do in this life, to give another child (or several children) a permanent home and eternal family. (I'm sure I've blogged about this before.) We are so happy to have the five great kids we have! But somehow, we feel like we aren't done yet. So we are following our hearts, something that we hope others will and do understand, despite its craziness.
BUT, I have come up with a new question, that is probably far more direct and to the point, and quite frankly, almost rude, but the answer is, when someone asks us about why we want to give a home to one of the thousands of children in the US without one, "Hmm, the real question is, 'Why don't you??"
There, I've said it. It's out there. We are not trying to do this for our own selfish needs. We are not trying to do this to fill our empty home. Before Madison, we LIKED our empty home. We are not doing this because we are bored and having nothing else to do. We are not doing this to make up for something lack. Our purpose, before Madison, was altruistic. We are doing this because it needs to be done, because we have love and space in our home and hearts for other children, and because we can.
So, when you someday, get to that point in your life, when you ask God, as I did, "What else can I do?" you might want to consider this as part of your answer. :) And if you decide this IS or ISN'T the answer for you and your family, that is just fine. I will support you!
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thanksgiving morning
Today we should be able to see all of our family, except for Kevin and Michelle in Los Angeles. I am trying hard to be grateful for all of our blessings-- and to focus on the present moment. NOT what, or WHO we don't have. But I think holidays do tend to make loss more poignant. I know there are so many people in the world who are suffering loss today. And trying like we are to make the best of it.
So what cheers me? First, my good husband, who is lying next to me in bed as I type. Then, my grandchildren, who bring so much joy. Also, the fact that I pray to a loving a Heavenly Father who I KNOW is there. He lifts me up at my darkest moments, and gives me the strength to help others! Such a gift. And I am helped by the gift of my children and their spouses. I hope I give back to you some of what I get, now that you're all grown.
Happy thanksgiving all! And I hope if you have a loss in your life, that you TOO will turn to the source of peace and comfort. He will help, when all else fails. And someday He WILL make it okay in the end. This, I know.
So what cheers me? First, my good husband, who is lying next to me in bed as I type. Then, my grandchildren, who bring so much joy. Also, the fact that I pray to a loving a Heavenly Father who I KNOW is there. He lifts me up at my darkest moments, and gives me the strength to help others! Such a gift. And I am helped by the gift of my children and their spouses. I hope I give back to you some of what I get, now that you're all grown.
Happy thanksgiving all! And I hope if you have a loss in your life, that you TOO will turn to the source of peace and comfort. He will help, when all else fails. And someday He WILL make it okay in the end. This, I know.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Moving On, sort of....
November 7, 2012
Two months today since we saw Madison. We have heard there is still some consideration about whether we could be allowed visits. But for now, even if visits are allowed, adoption is probably not on the table in the near future, because we have been selected for another girl, Shelly (also not her real name.) She's almost 13 and a girl we have felt strongly about this entire year. We saw her from a distance back in February at a team meeting about her. Today we meet with some of her team members to set up resources for her here in our small city. (There is a risk blogging about Shelly, because things could change: not on OUR parts, we are committed to being her permanent family. But we are putting our hearts on the line for another child, so the fact that I'm blogging about it, can't really increase our risk of hurt, just because friends and family know about it, right?? I hope! It's kind of like telling people you are newly pregnant-- you are completely committed to having the child, but things beyond your control DO change outcome at times.)
For example, we heard Monday that the Judge decided a transition from her foster care placement to our home can't start until after the holidays. We had hoped to have her here before then. So while that's disappointing, there are probably good things about it. She is not going to be an easy kid, and in some ways, more difficult than Madison. But we've studied, and attended trainings and we are ready to hit the ground running.
The other good thing about a delayed start to transitioning Shelly here, is that we do still really miss Madison. I guess once we hear what Madison's team decides, we will have a couple of months to acclimatize to that before Shelly comes to live with us. If it's "No, we are going to not allow any more visits or contact," then we will need that time for grief and closure. If it's "Yes, you can have visits with her," then that will allow some time for a few visits before we begin transitioning with Shelly. (We hope that Madison will have less fear about having contact with us, if the Adoption word is not possibly scaring her. But we would bring her home in a heartbeat if it were allowed and this is what she wanted! However, we are equally committed to bringing home Shelly. Her team selected us partly because they knew Madison was off the table for now. We have told them we still hope to have Madison in our lives. But the fact is, transitioning one child at a time is probably far healthier for everyone.)
We still have so many regrets: that we knew too little too late; that we weren't prepared for Madison. And we have many regrets that her team wouldn't consider bringing her back earlier. But if they had, would we have found Shelly? We continue to believe with all our illogical hearts and minds that Madison will someday return to us. We hope and pray it's SOONER rather than later. Oh wait, "sooner" has already left the building!
We believe we are going into this lifelong commitment to Shelly with our eyes wide open. We have read all the history DCFS has about her; we have educated ourselves, attended lots of trainings, and her team is preparing all the resources to be ready to go from the first day of placement with us. (What a difference an informed and well prepared team makes! Something we didn't have the last time.)
So why are we doing this you might ask? Good question, one we have asked ourselves on a regular basis. First, since our daughter and her husband adopted out of foster care eight years ago, we have had the desire to help several children to have permanent, and hopefully eternal families of their own. And also, there is just something driving us to adopt. We feel certain it's Heavenly Father, telling us this is what He wants us to do. But we have been told by many people who adopt, or who work with adopting families, that this is common: that people who adopt feel drawn to do this. We know this is the right thing for us to do, despite the fact that life is okay without it. (Or was, before we had and lost Madison.) We have great children, in-laws, and grandchildren. We have good jobs, hobbies, and each other. But there is a void. And we do believe this is how we are supposed to fill it. And I believe if you follow your heart and soul in the direction it wants to take you, you will eventually find satisfaction and peace. So that's my plan! And on we go.
Two months today since we saw Madison. We have heard there is still some consideration about whether we could be allowed visits. But for now, even if visits are allowed, adoption is probably not on the table in the near future, because we have been selected for another girl, Shelly (also not her real name.) She's almost 13 and a girl we have felt strongly about this entire year. We saw her from a distance back in February at a team meeting about her. Today we meet with some of her team members to set up resources for her here in our small city. (There is a risk blogging about Shelly, because things could change: not on OUR parts, we are committed to being her permanent family. But we are putting our hearts on the line for another child, so the fact that I'm blogging about it, can't really increase our risk of hurt, just because friends and family know about it, right?? I hope! It's kind of like telling people you are newly pregnant-- you are completely committed to having the child, but things beyond your control DO change outcome at times.)
For example, we heard Monday that the Judge decided a transition from her foster care placement to our home can't start until after the holidays. We had hoped to have her here before then. So while that's disappointing, there are probably good things about it. She is not going to be an easy kid, and in some ways, more difficult than Madison. But we've studied, and attended trainings and we are ready to hit the ground running.
The other good thing about a delayed start to transitioning Shelly here, is that we do still really miss Madison. I guess once we hear what Madison's team decides, we will have a couple of months to acclimatize to that before Shelly comes to live with us. If it's "No, we are going to not allow any more visits or contact," then we will need that time for grief and closure. If it's "Yes, you can have visits with her," then that will allow some time for a few visits before we begin transitioning with Shelly. (We hope that Madison will have less fear about having contact with us, if the Adoption word is not possibly scaring her. But we would bring her home in a heartbeat if it were allowed and this is what she wanted! However, we are equally committed to bringing home Shelly. Her team selected us partly because they knew Madison was off the table for now. We have told them we still hope to have Madison in our lives. But the fact is, transitioning one child at a time is probably far healthier for everyone.)
We still have so many regrets: that we knew too little too late; that we weren't prepared for Madison. And we have many regrets that her team wouldn't consider bringing her back earlier. But if they had, would we have found Shelly? We continue to believe with all our illogical hearts and minds that Madison will someday return to us. We hope and pray it's SOONER rather than later. Oh wait, "sooner" has already left the building!
We believe we are going into this lifelong commitment to Shelly with our eyes wide open. We have read all the history DCFS has about her; we have educated ourselves, attended lots of trainings, and her team is preparing all the resources to be ready to go from the first day of placement with us. (What a difference an informed and well prepared team makes! Something we didn't have the last time.)
So why are we doing this you might ask? Good question, one we have asked ourselves on a regular basis. First, since our daughter and her husband adopted out of foster care eight years ago, we have had the desire to help several children to have permanent, and hopefully eternal families of their own. And also, there is just something driving us to adopt. We feel certain it's Heavenly Father, telling us this is what He wants us to do. But we have been told by many people who adopt, or who work with adopting families, that this is common: that people who adopt feel drawn to do this. We know this is the right thing for us to do, despite the fact that life is okay without it. (Or was, before we had and lost Madison.) We have great children, in-laws, and grandchildren. We have good jobs, hobbies, and each other. But there is a void. And we do believe this is how we are supposed to fill it. And I believe if you follow your heart and soul in the direction it wants to take you, you will eventually find satisfaction and peace. So that's my plan! And on we go.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
We saw Madison!
It was a wonderful visit. She even told us she wanted to come back. We were so thrilled. For about five days, until her therapist told us Madison had changed her mind. Then the next we heard was that the judge ruled us out as a permanency option. We were and are still crushed. At least we got to tell her of our love, of our sorrow, and hopefully took away any feeling of guilt on her behalf.
But we are trying to move on. We still feel like its our mission to adopt and offer several children a permanent family. We will never forget Madison, nor stop hoping things will change. Our hope and belief is that God is still driving this and someday it we will understand the purpose behind all this pain and frustration. It is my faith that it will all work out someday. We love you Madison! And all our children, the ones we see often, and the ones we don't. Family makes life worth living. Thank Heaven it's eternal!
But we are trying to move on. We still feel like its our mission to adopt and offer several children a permanent family. We will never forget Madison, nor stop hoping things will change. Our hope and belief is that God is still driving this and someday it we will understand the purpose behind all this pain and frustration. It is my faith that it will all work out someday. We love you Madison! And all our children, the ones we see often, and the ones we don't. Family makes life worth living. Thank Heaven it's eternal!
Friday, August 31, 2012
Hope ahead
Met with her therapist. She's planning for us to see Madison. Don't want to say too much yet and get our hopes up. But there are reasons to hope. This week. Pray for us, if you don't mind!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
One Year Today! And where we are now...
It's been one year today since we told Madison we couldn't keep her, and she was taken out of our home. We immediately began trying to reconnect with her, since we were told that day we weren't going to be able to see her or talk with her.
It's been almost 10 months now since we asked for her back. In the same ten months we have been studying the Beyond Consequences method of parenting for children like Madison and feel MUCH better prepared in SO many ways, not the least of which is knowing how much we love her just like one of our own.
The state is still trying to figure out how to proceed. They have decided we should get a therapist to work with Madison's therapist. Which we did. We don't feel like have any major issues to work through, other than the grief that comes from losing contact with a beloved child. And help to reinforce the changes we have made in our minds and heart since she left. Today we are anxiously awaiting the NEXT move on the state's part, which is for our therapist to meet with her therapist on August 24th, and THEN we'll know what happens next.
We are still fighting the shame we feel for having made the decision to have her removed, with the realization that we worked hard to come to that decision and felt it was the necessary thing that had to happen. Even our therapist agreed: "What else could you do? You weren't given any other options!" We agree, and feel like we are now grateful that the state made this therapist and my husband, a former LDS bishop, get our own therapist. Maybe NOW we will have an advocate.
We still feel certain that trying to get Madison back into our lives IS the right step. And we believe wholeheartedly that Madison WILL come back to be apart of her family. And even if you take inspiration from the Lord out of it, you could look at it this way: She is in foster care. In four years, she will be set free, if nothing changes, to be part of NO one's family. Young adults in that position do NOT do well. (Again, a high percentage of them end up in jail, on drugs, or pregnant.) This is why, more than anything, we wanted to provide a home for Madison, and maybe another child someday. It hurts to think ANYONE wouldn't have a loving family to turn to throughout their lives.
YES, we are sad we weren't ready for Madison at the time. How we wish we had been! But we're ready now. We believe, though it's likely that Madison doesn't necessarily want to come back, that given time, it will be what she wants too.
Occasionally, we have moments of severe discouragement because it seems like trying to see her again is chasing a moving target. The state keeps changing what they have agreed to allow. Sometimes we get afraid the time of seeing Madison will NEVER arrive.We know the state is trying to do what they think is best: they say they want the first meeting with Madison to go as well as possible. And believe me, so do we!
So you see, we're just a BIT heart broken. But we know we cannot walk away from her. We tried!! She is OURS in our heart, as much as any of our biological children are. And just like, even with biological children who on occasion keep their distance, you don't give up on them. Ever.
We will never give up on you again Madison. And we hope and pray for you every single day. Just like one of our own. How we look forward to that day when we can tell you that in person.
It's been almost 10 months now since we asked for her back. In the same ten months we have been studying the Beyond Consequences method of parenting for children like Madison and feel MUCH better prepared in SO many ways, not the least of which is knowing how much we love her just like one of our own.
The state is still trying to figure out how to proceed. They have decided we should get a therapist to work with Madison's therapist. Which we did. We don't feel like have any major issues to work through, other than the grief that comes from losing contact with a beloved child. And help to reinforce the changes we have made in our minds and heart since she left. Today we are anxiously awaiting the NEXT move on the state's part, which is for our therapist to meet with her therapist on August 24th, and THEN we'll know what happens next.
We are still fighting the shame we feel for having made the decision to have her removed, with the realization that we worked hard to come to that decision and felt it was the necessary thing that had to happen. Even our therapist agreed: "What else could you do? You weren't given any other options!" We agree, and feel like we are now grateful that the state made this therapist and my husband, a former LDS bishop, get our own therapist. Maybe NOW we will have an advocate.
We still feel certain that trying to get Madison back into our lives IS the right step. And we believe wholeheartedly that Madison WILL come back to be apart of her family. And even if you take inspiration from the Lord out of it, you could look at it this way: She is in foster care. In four years, she will be set free, if nothing changes, to be part of NO one's family. Young adults in that position do NOT do well. (Again, a high percentage of them end up in jail, on drugs, or pregnant.) This is why, more than anything, we wanted to provide a home for Madison, and maybe another child someday. It hurts to think ANYONE wouldn't have a loving family to turn to throughout their lives.
YES, we are sad we weren't ready for Madison at the time. How we wish we had been! But we're ready now. We believe, though it's likely that Madison doesn't necessarily want to come back, that given time, it will be what she wants too.
Occasionally, we have moments of severe discouragement because it seems like trying to see her again is chasing a moving target. The state keeps changing what they have agreed to allow. Sometimes we get afraid the time of seeing Madison will NEVER arrive.We know the state is trying to do what they think is best: they say they want the first meeting with Madison to go as well as possible. And believe me, so do we!
So you see, we're just a BIT heart broken. But we know we cannot walk away from her. We tried!! She is OURS in our heart, as much as any of our biological children are. And just like, even with biological children who on occasion keep their distance, you don't give up on them. Ever.
We will never give up on you again Madison. And we hope and pray for you every single day. Just like one of our own. How we look forward to that day when we can tell you that in person.
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