Monday, February 17, 2014

February; there IS spring, and hope ahead!

Most Februarys are rather bleak. It is that time of year when winter never seems to want to quit holding onto us, preventing us from having the hope we feel at springtime. And this February is no different. February 11 is one year from the time we met her. She had planned that we would go out to the restaurant where we first met her on that day. Instead, February 11 sneaked by unnoticed in our lives.

It's been difficult attempting to heal from the second failed adoption attempt. I can't say that we failed this time, only maybe in allowing it to go on so long. But after our first effort, we were determined that WE wouldn't be the ones to pull the plug another time. It hurt so much to be the ones to hurt our first girl, that we couldn't see doing that again.

But overall, we can see we tried our best, we gave her our love, and then, when she said she couldn't do it, we let her go, with not that much of a fuss. A lot of heartache, maybe, but not much of a fuss. So she is gone, she is not talking to us and that's unfortunate, but fine, if that's what she has to do. We did expect and hope for the impossible. We thought love could heal and repair the damage that she suffered at others' hands. But  it wasn't enough, at least, not in the time frame we had.

So I am trying to follow my own grief counseling; allow time to talk about it, feel the pain, allow time to adjust to this very quiet house,  We are getting involved in new activities: family history, I'm learning the organ, I"m playing the piano more, we are spending time with the dog Tasia left behind (a topic in itself). I'm learning to quilt (thanks daughter Sarah), we are going on short trips, we are spending much quality time alone together, watching shows that Tasia didn't like, and redecorating as we can. I'm trying to exercise more, go on bike rides, go to the gym. It was OUR place, ours with Tasia, but I'm not willing to completely give it up for the sad memories.

We are also spending much more time with our grandkids, which is very pleasant. They are so adorable. And more time with our biological kids and their spouses.

We still skip past many songs on our phones or on the radio that remind us of her. We still break down and cry at times. But not as often. We are pretty sure she's been able to stuff away any feelings of sadness. She has moved on, and so must we.

Would we ever attempt this again? Hard to say. Two very difficult experiences attempting to adopt an older teen that did not come to fruition make us hesitate to try again. What good came out of the past 3 years? None that I can really see. But who knows, maybe the good lies up ahead.

I made a list yesterday of the things I want to accomplish before I die, whether that is one year or 30 years away. Here it is:

Spend lots of time with Mark; go to the temple often, continue counseling as long as I can; exercise a lot; be close to my ideal weight; travel, adopt (yes that's still in there); get really good at art, be a great therapist, and a great organist; go to Europe, spend a LOT of time with family, finish the story of my life, do lots of family history, pay off all debt, have a year's supply of food, see Tasia and Madison again and let them feel my love, and let my husband, children and their families know how very much I love them.