Why NOT you??

So I had this conversation the other day with Mark, since like the 100th person asked us, "Why would you want to do this? You have a nice peaceful life, you could look forward to retirement. Are you crazy??"  Yes, a little bit. And points are well taken.

Why? We don't know why exactly. It feels like one of the things we are supposed to do in this life, to give another child (or several children) a permanent home and eternal family. (I'm sure I've blogged about this before.) We are so happy to have the five great kids we have! But somehow, we feel like we aren't done yet. So we are following our hearts, something that we hope others will and do understand, despite its craziness.

BUT, I have come up with a new question, that is probably far more direct and to the point, and quite frankly, almost rude, but the answer is, when someone asks us about why we want to give a home to one of the thousands of children in the US without one, "Hmm, the real question is, 'Why don't you??"

There, I've said it. It's out there. We are not trying to do this for our own selfish needs. We are not trying to do this to fill our empty home. Before Madison, we LIKED our empty home. We are not doing this because we are bored and having nothing else to do. We are not doing this to make up for something lack. Our purpose, before Madison, was altruistic. We are doing this because it needs to be done, because we have love and space in our home and hearts for other children, and because we can.

So, when you someday, get to that point in your life, when you ask God, as I did, "What else can I do?" you might want to consider this as part of your answer.  :) And if you decide this IS or ISN'T the answer for you and your family, that is just fine. I will support you!

Thanksgiving morning

Today we should be able to see all of our family, except for Kevin and Michelle in Los Angeles. I am trying hard to be grateful for all of our blessings-- and to focus on the present moment.  NOT what, or        WHO we don't have.  But I think holidays do tend to make loss more poignant. I know there are so many people in the world who are suffering loss today. And trying like we are to make the best of it.

So what cheers me? First, my good husband, who is lying next to me in bed as I type. Then, my grandchildren, who bring so much joy. Also, the fact that I pray to a loving a Heavenly Father who I KNOW is there.  He lifts me up at my darkest moments, and gives me the strength to help others! Such a gift.  And I am helped by the gift of my children and their spouses. I hope I give back to you some of what I get, now that you're all grown.

Happy thanksgiving all! And I hope if you have a loss in your life, that you TOO will turn to the source of peace and comfort.  He will help, when all else fails. And someday He WILL make it okay in the end. This, I know.

Moving On, sort of....

November 7, 2012

Two months today since we saw Madison. We have heard there is still some consideration about whether we could be allowed visits. But for now, even if visits are allowed, adoption is probably not on the table in the near future, because we have been selected for another girl, Shelly (also not her real name.) She's almost 13 and a girl we have felt strongly about this entire year. We saw her from a distance back in  February at a team meeting about her. Today we meet with some of her team members to set up resources for her here in our small city. (There is a risk blogging about Shelly, because things could change: not on OUR parts, we are committed to being her permanent family. But we are putting our hearts on the line for another child, so the fact that I'm blogging about it, can't really increase our risk of hurt, just because friends and family know about it, right?? I hope! It's kind of like telling people you are newly pregnant-- you are completely committed to having the child, but things beyond your control DO change outcome at times.)

For example, we heard Monday that the Judge decided a transition from her foster care placement to our home can't start until after the holidays. We had hoped to have her here before then. So while that's disappointing, there are probably good things about it. She is not going to be an easy kid, and in some ways, more difficult than Madison. But we've studied, and attended trainings and we are ready to hit the ground running.

The other good thing about a delayed start to transitioning Shelly here, is that we do still really miss Madison. I guess once we hear what Madison's team decides, we will have a couple of months to acclimatize to that before Shelly comes to live with us. If it's "No, we are going to not allow any more visits or contact," then we will need that time for grief and closure. If it's "Yes, you can have visits with her," then that will allow some time for a few visits before we begin transitioning with Shelly. (We hope that Madison will have less fear about having contact with us, if the Adoption word is not possibly scaring her. But we would bring her home in a heartbeat if it were allowed and this is what she wanted! However, we are equally committed to bringing home Shelly. Her team selected us partly because they knew Madison was off the table for now. We have told them we still hope to have Madison in our lives. But the fact is, transitioning one child at a time is probably far healthier for everyone.)

We still have so many regrets: that we knew too little too late; that we weren't prepared for Madison. And we have many regrets that her team wouldn't consider bringing her back earlier. But if they had, would we have found Shelly? We continue to believe with all our illogical hearts and minds that Madison will someday return to us. We hope and pray it's SOONER rather than later. Oh wait, "sooner" has already left the building!

We believe we are going into this lifelong commitment to Shelly with our eyes wide open. We have read all the history DCFS has about her; we have educated ourselves, attended lots of trainings, and her team is preparing all the resources to be ready to go from the first day of placement with us.  (What a difference an informed and well prepared team makes! Something we didn't have the last time.) 

So why are we doing this you might ask? Good question, one we have asked ourselves on a regular basis. First, since our daughter and her husband adopted out of foster care eight years ago, we have had the desire to help several children to have permanent, and hopefully eternal families of their own. And also, there is just something driving us to adopt. We feel certain it's Heavenly Father, telling us this is what He wants us to do. But we have been told by many people who adopt, or who work with adopting families, that this is common: that people who adopt feel drawn to do this. We know this is the right thing for us to do, despite the fact that life is okay without it. (Or was, before we had and lost Madison.) We have great children, in-laws, and grandchildren. We have good jobs, hobbies, and each other. But there is a void. And we do believe this is how we are supposed to fill it. And I believe if you follow your heart and soul in the direction it wants to take you, you will eventually find satisfaction and peace. So that's my plan! And on we go.

We saw Madison!

It was a wonderful visit. She even told us she wanted to come back. We were so thrilled.  For about five days, until her therapist told us Madison had changed her mind.  Then the next we heard was that the judge ruled us out as a permanency option.  We were and are still crushed.  At least we got to tell her of our love, of our sorrow, and hopefully took away any feeling of guilt on her behalf.

But we are trying to move on.  We still feel like its our mission to adopt and offer several children a permanent family.  We will never forget Madison, nor stop hoping things will change. Our hope and belief is that God is still driving this and someday it we will understand the purpose behind all this pain and frustration.  It is my faith that it will all work out someday.  We love you Madison! And all our children, the ones we see often, and the ones we don't. Family makes life worth living.  Thank Heaven it's eternal!

Hope ahead

Met with her therapist.  She's planning for us to see Madison. Don't want to say too much yet and get our hopes up.  But there are reasons to hope.  This week.  Pray for us, if you don't mind!

One Year Today! And where we are now...

It's been one year today since we told Madison we couldn't keep her, and she was taken out of our home. We immediately began trying to reconnect with her, since we were told that day we weren't going to be able to see her or talk with her.

It's been almost 10 months now since we asked for her back. In the same ten months we have been studying the Beyond Consequences method of parenting for children like Madison and feel MUCH better prepared in SO many ways, not the least of which is knowing how much we love her just like one of our own.

The state is still trying to figure out how to proceed. They have decided we should get a therapist to work with Madison's therapist. Which we did. We don't feel like have any major issues to work through, other than the grief that comes from losing contact with a beloved child. And help to reinforce the changes we have made in our minds and heart since she left.  Today we are anxiously awaiting the NEXT move on the state's part, which is for our therapist to meet with her therapist on August 24th, and THEN we'll know what happens next.

We are still fighting the shame we feel for having made the decision to have her removed, with the realization that we worked hard to come to that decision and felt it was the necessary thing that had to happen. Even our therapist agreed: "What else could you do? You weren't given any other options!" We agree, and feel like we are now grateful that the state made this therapist and my husband, a former LDS bishop, get our own therapist. Maybe NOW we will have an advocate.

We still feel certain that trying to get Madison back into our lives IS the right step. And we believe wholeheartedly that Madison WILL come back to be apart of her family. And even if you take inspiration from the Lord out of it, you could look at it this way:  She is in foster care. In four years, she will be set free, if nothing changes, to be part of NO one's family. Young adults in that position do NOT do well. (Again, a high percentage of them end up in jail, on drugs, or pregnant.) This is why, more than anything, we wanted to provide a home for Madison, and maybe another child someday.  It hurts to think ANYONE wouldn't have a loving family to turn to throughout their lives.

YES, we are sad we weren't ready for Madison at the time. How we wish we had been! But we're ready now. We believe, though it's likely that Madison doesn't necessarily want to come back, that given time, it will be what she wants too.

Occasionally, we have moments of severe discouragement because it seems like trying to see her again is  chasing a moving target. The state keeps changing what they have agreed to allow. Sometimes we get afraid the time of seeing Madison will NEVER arrive.We know the state is trying to do what they think is best: they say they want the first meeting with Madison to go as well as possible. And believe me, so do we!

So you see, we're just a BIT heart broken. But we know we cannot walk away from her. We tried!! She is OURS in our heart, as much as any of our biological children are. And just like, even with biological children who on occasion keep their distance, you don't give up on them. Ever.

We will never give up on you again Madison. And we hope and pray for you every single day. Just like one of our own. How we look forward to that day when we can tell you that in person. 

Sad update

It's been a very difficult week. It's hard to even describe. We had been told our foster daughter WAS coming back, by several important people. Until last Tuesday night, we were convinced everyone was on board with it, and all that remained was a transition plan that worked for Madison. we were even under the impression we were going to see her within a few days. But the therapist is not really on our side, and convinced many of the team that we were not good enough for Madison, who had told her I yelled a lot at her. I did raise my voice maybe half a dozen times at her. Which I wish I hadn't, but no one is perfect, right? The plan now is supposedly the therapist is going to ask Madison if she wants to just hang out with us. Her previous foster mother said Madison NEVER wants to see people from her past because it's too emotional. But they want this young girl to sort out her own future I guess. So unless DCFS gets their act together to figure out how to get us to begin working things out with Madison, she will probably never come back to us as a minor child. She could age out of foster care. Prognosis for kids in that scenario is TERRIBLE. The majority get involved in drugs, end up in jail, or girls end up pregnant. We really have worked hard to change. We have learned a new parenting approach specifically designed for kids from trauma. It seems that the more people see we care a lot about Madison, the more they accuse us of having an agenda and doing what WE need instead of what Madison needs. A least there is one caseworker who believes that our agenda is what is best for Madison, to give her a permanent, loving home. We have been convinced all along that despite having her leave, believing it was in HER best interest, that with the right support, Madison would flourish in a home that's now very prepared for her needs. We have decided to step back. They know how to contact us. If nothing changes, and they allow this poor girl to remain in foster care because there are NO permanency plans, we might take more action to see that SOMEONE is looking out for her best interests. And maybe to help others to avoid going through the trauma we have been through. We continue to try to have faith in God, despite all the many obstacles.

Why We Want to Adopt

I'm always torn between sharing info on our lives with others and keeping it to ourselves. As a therapist I love listening to others. I love and appreciate the confidence people place in me to share the most intimate details of their lives with me. I try to show the utmost respect for this. So to post such a deeply personal blog as the previous one is pretty difficult for me. In our church, we are given deeply personal blessings as teenagers, usually, that help guide our lives. One brief piece of guidance is to be willing to share with others. And I don't think it just meant my stuff! So that's what I do, on occasion. Maybe too much at times. But we live in a much more open world, the world of Facebook, Twitter, and blogs. So at least I'm not alone.

So in that vein, maybe I should fill you in on why adopting a child who needs a permanent home is a part of how we want to spend the rest of our lives. I'd like to, but I am not sure I can. Is it because we are afraid of the empty nest? Maybe. At least some, but we do have quite a large nest to share. Is it because we are worried that it's just the two of us and we have to face each other now the kids are gone? No, because we have always been close. Is it because we are bored? Huh. Boredom? What's that? We have no time for boredom. Is it because we don't REALLY want to spend the last thirty years of our lives traveling the world, going on missions, and enjoying retirement? No, because we STILL hope and plan to get that in too. Is it because our five children, their spouses and nine grandchildren are not enough, somehow? No, because they ARE the light of our lives. But that last reason comes the closest, so far. We love them SO much, and want to share our lives, love, time, energy, and means with another child, or children, even. Because the love just grows.

And the final reason, and the most important reason, relates to who we are at our core. Mark and I love God! We know He's real and that He is a part of our lives. We believe to adopt a child, or perhaps two before we are done, IS what He wants from us. And I am not ashamed or embarrassed to admit that.

Our experience that is detailed in the previous post includes all but our reasons why this is so important to us. Bottom line, we want to share our love with those who need it, forever, not just for the next few years. And we are grateful to try to do just that.

Getting closer!

Hi all who may read this, (Spoiler alert! Positive news at the end of this sad story! Also, Madison is not her real name, those of you who know the situation know that. But I am trying to maintain confidentiality here. Thanks for your interest if you actually read this whole long story!)

Madison, a 12 year old girl, came to live with us January 2011. She left, at our request, in August, 2011. I wanted to explain, as succinctly as possible, what we have been through in the nearly eight months since Madison has been gone.

When we told the state in July we couldn't handle her level of need, we did this with a lot of prayer. As hard as it was, we knew we weren't prepared for her. The state had given us very little information up front about her, and we had asked little up front. When the family therapist tried to introduce us to a new approach, I especially resisted, thinking I knew how to raise kids. But I didn't know how to raise kids who have been through what Madison has. Her behavior was pretty typical really, and the approach we were using was the wrong approach.

So with much grief and anguish, last August 12, we let her go. We thought we would soon get back to normal, but the grief has not stopped. While we are still both convinced we had to let her go, and that we were on a trajectory that would lead to more and more challenges, we have grieved her loss every day. The state allowed no contact with her, despite us being led to believe that was not only possible, but healthy for her. When we learned that we would not be allowed contact, one hour before they took her out of our home, we were so upset, especially at the therapist and caseworker who we felt, misled us into believing contact would happen.

You may or may not know Madison was placed in our oldest daughter's LDS ward. They began to see her at church on Sunday. They live three blocks away from her. At first it was agonizing for them to see her. Her foster family has been told to keep her away from us, or anyone from our family, because we let her go and were very unhappy about the way the situation was handled. (We filed a grievance report with the state to hopefully help our case to allow contact within a week after she left.) Little by little, Madison seemed more comfortable with seeing Anna and family at church. I went to church with them a couple of times soon after Madison left, but for a time, I didn't see Madison.

After two months of intense grief, Mark and I realized we wanted to make every change we could to make this work. We asked for her back. We were at least allowed to write cards and letters, though we don't know whether she has ever read one. We continued to pray and try every angle we could think of to see if we could get Madison back. We talked to people, consulted several lawyers, and began intense training to learn new strategies. We flew to Denver to participate in the Beyond Consequences model of working with children like Madison. We participate in weekly live training sessions, we have read every book they have. We watch videos of Madison's behavior during her worst moments, and practice how we would handle them differently.

After letting our foster license lapse for a few months, we got relicensed. (this is to let you know we never abused her in any way, except for being ignorant of how to handle her worst behavior in a way that would help her through it, rather than exacerbate it. Basically, you are there for them, and then when they calm, is the time to talk it through. You ask, not, "How do I get my child to change her behavior?" As much as "What is driving this behavior?" And "What can I do to build my relationship with her right now?")

More than anything else, what has changed is a deep realization that we love her no matter what. That we love her as much as any of our biological children. How did that happen in the eight months we had her in our lives? I don't know. But it did, and we miss her as much as if she were our biological child.

I have seen Madison four or five times at Anna's ward in the last month or so. (I've gone to help my 3 year old grandson adjust to his primary class. Sunbeams just aren't quite as fun as the nursery was, for him!) When Madison's foster family isn't nearby, Madison has been positive towards us in those brief interactions. I just said hi and talked for a couple of seconds. I haven't tried to hug her, though our grand kids have given her big hugs when they see her, and she responds very positively to that. However, the foster family again, shields her from us, which has been very hurtful. But when they weren't nearby, she smiled and talked briefly, and even appeared to seek us out.

We don't know what Madison thinks about us, or about the idea of coming back. We believe she is most likely resistant to the idea. We also know she is still young, and doesn't necessarily know what she needs in her future. We believe we ARE what she needs! We already love her, KNOW her, are 100% committed to raising her for the rest of OUR lives as part of our family. We believe we have done everything we can to prepare for her return from a fully informed position, instead of a naive and unaware position.

We are also pretty sure there are no other permanency plans for her. We have just been asking for visits with her, with the hope and the expectations that she would want to come back willingly and happily someday.

We have felt strongly, after many many prayers that Madison is meant to be our daughter. We love her so much! As difficult of a process this has been, we feel we are getting close to the end of this agonizing trial. Thank you for your faith and prayers in our behalf. We will let you know of more progress, but we think it's just around the corner.