Hi all who may read this, (Spoiler alert! Positive news at the end of this sad story! Also, Madison is not her real name, those of you who know the situation know that. But I am trying to maintain confidentiality here. Thanks for your interest if you actually read this whole long story!)
Madison, a 12 year old girl, came to live with us January 2011. She left, at our request, in August, 2011. I wanted to explain, as succinctly as possible, what we have been through in the nearly eight months since Madison has been gone.
When we told the state in July we couldn't handle her level of need, we did this with a lot of prayer. As hard as it was, we knew we weren't prepared for her. The state had given us very little information up front about her, and we had asked little up front. When the family therapist tried to introduce us to a new approach, I especially resisted, thinking I knew how to raise kids. But I didn't know how to raise kids who have been through what Madison has. Her behavior was pretty typical really, and the approach we were using was the wrong approach.
So with much grief and anguish, last August 12, we let her go. We thought we would soon get back to normal, but the grief has not stopped. While we are still both convinced we had to let her go, and that we were on a trajectory that would lead to more and more challenges, we have grieved her loss every day. The state allowed no contact with her, despite us being led to believe that was not only possible, but healthy for her. When we learned that we would not be allowed contact, one hour before they took her out of our home, we were so upset, especially at the therapist and caseworker who we felt, misled us into believing contact would happen.
You may or may not know Madison was placed in our oldest daughter's LDS ward. They began to see her at church on Sunday. They live three blocks away from her. At first it was agonizing for them to see her. Her foster family has been told to keep her away from us, or anyone from our family, because we let her go and were very unhappy about the way the situation was handled. (We filed a grievance report with the state to hopefully help our case to allow contact within a week after she left.) Little by little, Madison seemed more comfortable with seeing Anna and family at church. I went to church with them a couple of times soon after Madison left, but for a time, I didn't see Madison.
After two months of intense grief, Mark and I realized we wanted to make every change we could to make this work. We asked for her back. We were at least allowed to write cards and letters, though we don't know whether she has ever read one. We continued to pray and try every angle we could think of to see if we could get Madison back. We talked to people, consulted several lawyers, and began intense training to learn new strategies. We flew to Denver to participate in the Beyond Consequences model of working with children like Madison. We participate in weekly live training sessions, we have read every book they have. We watch videos of Madison's behavior during her worst moments, and practice how we would handle them differently.
After letting our foster license lapse for a few months, we got relicensed. (this is to let you know we never abused her in any way, except for being ignorant of how to handle her worst behavior in a way that would help her through it, rather than exacerbate it. Basically, you are there for them, and then when they calm, is the time to talk it through. You ask, not, "How do I get my child to change her behavior?" As much as "What is driving this behavior?" And "What can I do to build my relationship with her right now?")
More than anything else, what has changed is a deep realization that we love her no matter what. That we love her as much as any of our biological children. How did that happen in the eight months we had her in our lives? I don't know. But it did, and we miss her as much as if she were our biological child.
I have seen Madison four or five times at Anna's ward in the last month or so. (I've gone to help my 3 year old grandson adjust to his primary class. Sunbeams just aren't quite as fun as the nursery was, for him!) When Madison's foster family isn't nearby, Madison has been positive towards us in those brief interactions. I just said hi and talked for a couple of seconds. I haven't tried to hug her, though our grand kids have given her big hugs when they see her, and she responds very positively to that. However, the foster family again, shields her from us, which has been very hurtful. But when they weren't nearby, she smiled and talked briefly, and even appeared to seek us out.
We don't know what Madison thinks about us, or about the idea of coming back. We believe she is most likely resistant to the idea. We also know she is still young, and doesn't necessarily know what she needs in her future. We believe we ARE what she needs! We already love her, KNOW her, are 100% committed to raising her for the rest of OUR lives as part of our family. We believe we have done everything we can to prepare for her return from a fully informed position, instead of a naive and unaware position.
We are also pretty sure there are no other permanency plans for her. We have just been asking for visits with her, with the hope and the expectations that she would want to come back willingly and happily someday.
We have felt strongly, after many many prayers that Madison is meant to be our daughter. We love her so much! As difficult of a process this has been, we feel we are getting close to the end of this agonizing trial. Thank you for your faith and prayers in our behalf. We will let you know of more progress, but we think it's just around the corner.
