At this moment, I'm sitting across from my mom who has Alzheimer's. The past few days she has declined in functioning quite a bit; hardly walks, lost some interest in food and drink. From all I've read, the signs are indicating that she's getting close to the end of her life. Which is still difficult for me to think about, despite her age and deteriorating health. I have complete faith that she will live again after she dies, that her spirit won't die, but she'll be with Dad again and be happy. No doubt. So why do I get sad? For years, I've held resentments over her imperfections, but it seems like that doesn't matter so much now. I know many of the hurts she has caused have not been intentional. She DID mean well, over and over.

So now, as she is staying with me, very likely until her death, I keep considering all the good things I DID learn from her. And really, there were many.

I learned, first and foremost, that I was loved, by her and my Dad. I learned about the Gospel: Mom has been so dedicated to her testimony, in particular, to her testimony of Jesus Christ. I believe it was that faith that got her through years of depression and anxiety. She would always encourage us to have faith also; and taught us to pray, to go to Church, and to keep the commandments. Perhaps she at times was too compelling at times, but we knew she KNEW that the Gospel is true. Nearly all of us have some level of testimony. It was that testimony that got me through my somewhat rocky teen years till I met my amazing husband and was able to marry him in the temple.

She taught me to think through problems. I believe all of us had experiences where she would listen to us and come up with suggestions of solutions to problems. This may be where my interest in counseling began.

She loved family history; spending hours and hours on her computer journal; organizing pictures for each one of us; and spending thousands of hours writing biographies of ancestors and doing genealogy work. I love journaling and writing, whether in print or type or by hand. This I must have learned from her also.

She always kept a neat house, and hard to believe, it took me years but now that we are empty nesters, I too like a neat house. She enjoyed getting to know new people; something I too enjoy. She liked traveling, she and my Dad traveled overseas on several occasions. Most of her children enjoy traveling also. She loved music, loved playing the piano and singing. Some of my favorite memories growing up were singing around the piano as a family whether at Christmas or on a Sunday afternoon; something I have attempted to implement [with limited success!] with my family. She taught me to love the temple; it seemed that after she and Dad returned from an Oakland Temple trip, they came back happier, and nearly glowing. While I can't say I GLOW when I come back from the temple, I love the peace I find there.

She too loved babies and grandchildren, and spent hours playing games with them when they would come to her house, back in the days she could play games. I love my grandkids and love spending time with them, though games are not my thing.

She and Dad had a close relationship; though I would say that my relationship with my husband is different in many ways from theirs; I am too blessed with that closeness to my husband. I so enjoyed seeing she and Dad go on walks many times together.

She loved being outdoors and walking and walking and walking. (Ken tells us that in Idaho Falls, his neighbors dubbed her the "Walking Lady.") I love being outside on a bike and enjoying the outdoors.

I know she wasn't perfect, I know she knew that, but I know she tried hard despite her weaknesses to love and accept her children. As I look back over my journals, I find many instances where I mentioned, "I talked to Mother, and she told me..." She made such a difference in my life. When I was at BYU, she wrote me a letter and said, "Karen, for some reason I think you're going to achieve great spiritual strength in your lifetime." Well, I don't know if that's happened, but I've learned, and occasionally try to apply this to my children, if you want good things from them, let them know you believe in them.

I feel badly in ways I haven't appreciated her as much as I should or could over my lifetime. But I choose from now to remember the good in her life, of which there was much, and to learn from and forgive her mistakes, as I hope my children will do of me!