Merry ? Christmas!

It's a beautiful sunny, but snowy day in Northern Utah. From where I sit, I can see our entire valley, spanning out to the mountains on the other side. It's a little hazy in the distance, which seems appropriate for life in our home right now..

First, let me say, that generally, I love Christmas. I love the music, the decorations, the shopping, and the time with family. And most of all, I love the extra focus on Jesus, and I often feel closer to him this month. This has been a difficult month however. Monday, our 18 year old foster-to-adopt daughter, Tasia, chose to leave our home. She had had to pay some pretty stiff consequences (not really of our choice) for her very difficult behavior 10 days ago-- and was out of our home for over a week. We didn't think at first she would come back at all. But in spite of her bad behavior, we again offered to finalize her adoption as soon as possible, and we offered to help her find a place to live in the Valley to get her started toward her independent life-- with a family to help back her up.

But coming home, even temporarily, was just too much for her; too much of thinking she could blow up again at us; too much embarrassment and shame that she blew up before. And bottom line, loving people like us, and feeling love from us, is just really too scary for a child/adult where to be loved was to be hurt.

So Tasia is gone. We hope for some kind of a continuing relationship with her, because even though she is so difficult, we just love her. Fully and completely. We love her and even get rather upset with ourselves that we do.  She felt like one of our children. Now that she has gone, we are trying to separate ourselves from her emotionally, while still trying to keep a line of communication open in case she wants to reach out to us. Very difficult to do.

So what have we learned? My sister told me today, "There are no failures, just learning opportunities." We have learned you can love someone who is often unlovable. That you can forgive even when there is no reason to forgive. We have learned we are not too old to have fun! And whether we are able to move on and find peace, is a learning opportunity that remains to be experienced.

But on this Christmas day, where life feels bleak in spite of good times, safety, peace, quiet, (my son-in-law's frequent comment to his kids popped into my mind when one of his children are running off to sulk, "Don't threaten ME with peace and quiet!"). But though life feels bleak for many people at Christmas time because of loss, loneliness, broken dreams, sad and distant memories, there is the Savior to heal us-- Heavenly Father to help us get through sad times and family members and friends who do care and reach out. THere are smles of our little grandkids and their joy of life especially at this time of year. I love to watch the expression on their faces as they open presents, and even as they watch siblings and cousins open their presents, and how they celebrate with others their good fortune at the new gift.

I love these people who are in my life. The two sons, three daughters, their spouses, and nearly ten grandchildren. They bring joy to us, and they help to fill many empty spaces in our hearts.  And  I am so grateful for my dear husband. We grieve together, but generally, one of us grieves more than the other, so we can help each other through this challenging time.

And most of all, I'm grateful for Heavenly Father and his Son. It is because of them we can all get through the hard times. It is because of the Savior that people like Tasia can someday, have their hearts healed.  And it because of Him and his birth, life, atonement and resurrection there is that opportunity for an eternal future with our friends and family and loved ones. And somehow, someday, because of the Savior, our hearts will heal too.


Love you Tasia, wherever you are in life, and whatever you do. Take care, remember the good  times and good people who have led you, and make good choices. You have so much good inside of you! God loves you and always will.

Life again Marches ON!

It's been quite awhile since I've posted anything to this blog. And I hesitate to now, but I think I will go ahead despite my hesitations. I want to protect privacy, at the same time I want to share this experience with those of you out there who regularly read this, and some who just happen to come across it.

So nearly two months ago, Tasia moved in. Honeymoon phase didn't last too long. Let's be clear, we are using all the skills we can, trying unconditional love, and at times things go well. But other times, not so much. But we knew to expect that. It's just reality is reality! However, we are hanging in there (almost) no matter what. If there is anything we learned from the last adventures in foster-to-adopt, giving up is more painful than NOT giving up!! And it's teaching us all kinds of things about ourselves, like how to pull out strengths we didn't think we had, how to NOT say what we really WANT to say (well, harder for me than Mark.) How to turn the other cheek, (I've found numerous cheeks to turn!) How to forgive far faster than I thought capable.

It's also taught me how resilient kids can be, how they can cope with what seems like insurmountable problems. I'm not going to get specific here, to maintain privacy, but life can be tough for so many children out there.

And though I have to ask myself (and I DO), why they heck are we trying this? I love that story of the man who comes across a boy on the beach, throwing back into the water stranded starfish. The man says to the boy, "Why are you doing this? Don't you see how many starfish there are still stranded? You can't possible make a difference to all of them!" And the boy answers, as he throws yet another starfish into the water, "Well, I made a difference to that one!"

That's our hope. We don't know what will end up happening frankly. She IS 18 after all, and somedays, like to most teenagers, having a permanent family sounds more like a jail sentence (I suspect) than a good idea! So we will see how it goes.

And for any friends and family who are reading this, I just want to tell you thanks for your support. It means a lot. If you have any other friends or family out there who are trying to foster and/or adopt children, let them know how much you care. It's definitely far harder than it looks. Let's hope in the end, it's also  far more rewarding!!

A New "Child"

I remembered the other day that my desire to adopt didn't just start a few years back. It began before I even met Mark. I remember talking with a friend when I was a teenager about someday adopting children who needed a home. This dream took many years to get even close to fruition. But we are getting closer. Not so much with Madison, however. Her team has several other families, in addition to us, who want her. Will we be considered again? Our fear says no; our faith and hope says yes.

So we are in the awkward position of moving on, while holding on to hopes from the past. But some aspects of the future look delightful.

In November, one of the caseworkers who were assigned to the Madison case told us he had the perfect child for us. She was almost 18, and about to age out of foster care. "Anastasia" came from Russia 7 years before. Tasia really wanted a family still. Because we were still working with Madison and Shelly's teams, we didn't even consider her. But by the end of January, we decided it was time to think about Tasia, the one who IS ready for a home.

Over the past almost two months now, we have been getting to know Tasia. We are really enjoying her. This week she will spend Spring Break with us, after having spent the last couple of weekends with us. She is fun to have around. We are happy to offer her a home, a family, or friendship, whatever she chooses.  So far, she is choosing a future which involves us.

This doesn't mean we love Madison any less, or that we want her back any less, but we are hoping to eventually have both girls in our lives. Shelly I guess will have to wait awhile, and it sounds like that is just what her team wants to do.

So the question may come up, why are we driven to adopt?  Like many families who feel these urges, there is purpose in them. These children who have had to struggle far more than most of us, still need that love and support to guide them through their lives. They need a  place to come back to for holidays, a place to call when they are hurting, alone, or in need of assistance.  They need a family. Welcome to ours, Tasia.

Here we are....

I'm not really sure who I am writing this to, or really why. But writing does heal, to some extent.

We still want to foster to adopt, but it sure isn't easy to follow your heart sometimes! Especially when other people are not on board where your heart is leading.

We found out that while Madison's DCFS team are finally not opposed to us having visits with her, it has to go through her Judge. Which has obstacles of its own. We grieve Madison still, and always will I'm afraid.

With the other girl for whom we have been selected as foster to adopt parents for Shelly (also not her real name), BUT her team doesn't think she's ready for parents. Like many professionals, they expect her to somehow get stable BEFORE she goes to a permanent home. But we have learned that it takes permanency before they eventually become stable.

So it's tiring, and we wish sometimes we could just move on to the next stage of life without this step. But something keeps us here, and we believe it's the sense that our family is not yet complete.

Why NOT you??

So I had this conversation the other day with Mark, since like the 100th person asked us, "Why would you want to do this? You have a nice peaceful life, you could look forward to retirement. Are you crazy??"  Yes, a little bit. And points are well taken.

Why? We don't know why exactly. It feels like one of the things we are supposed to do in this life, to give another child (or several children) a permanent home and eternal family. (I'm sure I've blogged about this before.) We are so happy to have the five great kids we have! But somehow, we feel like we aren't done yet. So we are following our hearts, something that we hope others will and do understand, despite its craziness.

BUT, I have come up with a new question, that is probably far more direct and to the point, and quite frankly, almost rude, but the answer is, when someone asks us about why we want to give a home to one of the thousands of children in the US without one, "Hmm, the real question is, 'Why don't you??"

There, I've said it. It's out there. We are not trying to do this for our own selfish needs. We are not trying to do this to fill our empty home. Before Madison, we LIKED our empty home. We are not doing this because we are bored and having nothing else to do. We are not doing this to make up for something lack. Our purpose, before Madison, was altruistic. We are doing this because it needs to be done, because we have love and space in our home and hearts for other children, and because we can.

So, when you someday, get to that point in your life, when you ask God, as I did, "What else can I do?" you might want to consider this as part of your answer.  :) And if you decide this IS or ISN'T the answer for you and your family, that is just fine. I will support you!

Thanksgiving morning

Today we should be able to see all of our family, except for Kevin and Michelle in Los Angeles. I am trying hard to be grateful for all of our blessings-- and to focus on the present moment.  NOT what, or        WHO we don't have.  But I think holidays do tend to make loss more poignant. I know there are so many people in the world who are suffering loss today. And trying like we are to make the best of it.

So what cheers me? First, my good husband, who is lying next to me in bed as I type. Then, my grandchildren, who bring so much joy. Also, the fact that I pray to a loving a Heavenly Father who I KNOW is there.  He lifts me up at my darkest moments, and gives me the strength to help others! Such a gift.  And I am helped by the gift of my children and their spouses. I hope I give back to you some of what I get, now that you're all grown.

Happy thanksgiving all! And I hope if you have a loss in your life, that you TOO will turn to the source of peace and comfort.  He will help, when all else fails. And someday He WILL make it okay in the end. This, I know.

Moving On, sort of....

November 7, 2012

Two months today since we saw Madison. We have heard there is still some consideration about whether we could be allowed visits. But for now, even if visits are allowed, adoption is probably not on the table in the near future, because we have been selected for another girl, Shelly (also not her real name.) She's almost 13 and a girl we have felt strongly about this entire year. We saw her from a distance back in  February at a team meeting about her. Today we meet with some of her team members to set up resources for her here in our small city. (There is a risk blogging about Shelly, because things could change: not on OUR parts, we are committed to being her permanent family. But we are putting our hearts on the line for another child, so the fact that I'm blogging about it, can't really increase our risk of hurt, just because friends and family know about it, right?? I hope! It's kind of like telling people you are newly pregnant-- you are completely committed to having the child, but things beyond your control DO change outcome at times.)

For example, we heard Monday that the Judge decided a transition from her foster care placement to our home can't start until after the holidays. We had hoped to have her here before then. So while that's disappointing, there are probably good things about it. She is not going to be an easy kid, and in some ways, more difficult than Madison. But we've studied, and attended trainings and we are ready to hit the ground running.

The other good thing about a delayed start to transitioning Shelly here, is that we do still really miss Madison. I guess once we hear what Madison's team decides, we will have a couple of months to acclimatize to that before Shelly comes to live with us. If it's "No, we are going to not allow any more visits or contact," then we will need that time for grief and closure. If it's "Yes, you can have visits with her," then that will allow some time for a few visits before we begin transitioning with Shelly. (We hope that Madison will have less fear about having contact with us, if the Adoption word is not possibly scaring her. But we would bring her home in a heartbeat if it were allowed and this is what she wanted! However, we are equally committed to bringing home Shelly. Her team selected us partly because they knew Madison was off the table for now. We have told them we still hope to have Madison in our lives. But the fact is, transitioning one child at a time is probably far healthier for everyone.)

We still have so many regrets: that we knew too little too late; that we weren't prepared for Madison. And we have many regrets that her team wouldn't consider bringing her back earlier. But if they had, would we have found Shelly? We continue to believe with all our illogical hearts and minds that Madison will someday return to us. We hope and pray it's SOONER rather than later. Oh wait, "sooner" has already left the building!

We believe we are going into this lifelong commitment to Shelly with our eyes wide open. We have read all the history DCFS has about her; we have educated ourselves, attended lots of trainings, and her team is preparing all the resources to be ready to go from the first day of placement with us.  (What a difference an informed and well prepared team makes! Something we didn't have the last time.) 

So why are we doing this you might ask? Good question, one we have asked ourselves on a regular basis. First, since our daughter and her husband adopted out of foster care eight years ago, we have had the desire to help several children to have permanent, and hopefully eternal families of their own. And also, there is just something driving us to adopt. We feel certain it's Heavenly Father, telling us this is what He wants us to do. But we have been told by many people who adopt, or who work with adopting families, that this is common: that people who adopt feel drawn to do this. We know this is the right thing for us to do, despite the fact that life is okay without it. (Or was, before we had and lost Madison.) We have great children, in-laws, and grandchildren. We have good jobs, hobbies, and each other. But there is a void. And we do believe this is how we are supposed to fill it. And I believe if you follow your heart and soul in the direction it wants to take you, you will eventually find satisfaction and peace. So that's my plan! And on we go.