My new life and my new Bucket List

We have had an adventurous 19 months since I last posted. Last year we moved to Washington State, Port Angeles to be exact, and spent five wonderful and miserable months there. Wonderful because of how beautiful it is and how close to the water we got to live, and wonderful because of the many great people we met there; miserable because of how much we missed our family. So now we live closer to Salt Lake City, a bit, and are enjoying a new home, a new dog, Brianna, several new grandkids, a new job, and all around, most of life. 

We are enjoying the joy of Brianna; yes we miss the other two girls we had; we probably always will; and we are always sad when we don't get to see other family members anywhere nearly as often as we would like. However, we love the joy of having our grandchildren, all within an hour's drive.  Brianna is loving learning to ride horses; she enjoys her new school and her two great teachers, we like the area, Mark stays busy with family history, photography, and taking care of Brianna. I love my new job, still a therapist, but it seems to me that our life has sort of been settling down. I'm not saying everything is settled, but most things are. And there is a sense of deep gratitude for that. Brianna continues to be challenging on occasion, but she brings far more joy than challenge. And challenges bring growth opportunities. All in all, a good thing, and really, a wonderful thing. 

We are still committed to the LDS Church, though not all of our family is. But that's okay. We don't all need to be the same or think the same, right? But I'm looking forward to life ahead, and I hope mostly, it's a good thing.

Three of our cute grandchildren, visiting our new house for the first time.

One daughter with her new baby, another daughter and Brianna.

Toby, ruler of the roost, just ask him.

Two more cuties.

This granddaughter, modeling new school clothes..

Daughter and family (all but the new baby) visiting near our home in Washington.

Brianna with Darth and other StarWars Guy in Seattle., under the Space Needle.

Oldest granddaughter.

Brianna and 6 year old granddaughter on the way to riding lessons.

Hanging out with a new "friend."

Our new house, prior to landscaping.

I made my Bucket List today, and I'm kind of excited about it. It's not as glamorous or as amazing as some people's list, but still, it adequately represents me and my future as I hope for it. I thought I'd share it here, in case anyone in this world might be interested. 

My  Bucket List: 40 Semi-Practical things

I want to help a lot more people though my job as a therapist.

I want to raise a happy Brianna.

I want Mark and I to continue to have a good relationship for the rest of our lives.

I want to have close relationships with my entire family.

I want to visit England, Switzerland, Germany and Italy.

I want to pay off all our bills.
I want to live near the coast. Oh wait, we did that in Washington!

I want to paint 5 well-done paintings.

I want to memorize 7 piano solos (so when I'm old and can't see much, I can still play something!)

I want to encourage Mark as a photographer and decorate our home with his art.

I want to complete an amazing yard.

I want to have pretty great relationships with all the kids and grandkids.

I want to learn Spanish well enough to carry on a short conversation.

I want to spend five summers on the coast.

I want to vacation in Canada.

I want to meet and be friendly to all our neighbors and sponsor neighborhood parties once or twice per year.

I want to go on a cruise.

I want to go on 10 5-50 mile bike rides with Brianna and Mark every year.

I want to have a family portrait with our entire family.

I want to forgive anyone who has ever hurt me.

I want to own and play a baby grand piano.

I want to be really good at playing organ.

I want to visit the 23 states I haven’t seen.

I want to do the temple work for as many ancestors as I can.

I want to do [some] child therapy again, even if I have to do my own business.

I want to reach my Weight Watcher’s goal weight and maintain that for the rest of my life.

I want to stay healthy for Brianna and grandkids for at least 30 more years.

I want to be able to swim a mile.

I want to walk 15 miles per week, every week.

I want to have my whole house decorated nicely.

I want to have a completely organized home.

I want to go to the temple many more times in my life.

I want to feel very close to Jesus and Heavenly Father on a regular basis.

I want to stay committed to my testimony.

I want to do child therapy again, even if I have to do my own therapy business.

I want to be able to swim a mile.

I want to walk 15 miles per week, every week.

I want to die happy.

And that, is all I have to say about that! Here's hoping and planning!!

Three Months Into Adoption!

Not that life is always easy, but we are really enjoying our little Brianna. She keeps us hopping that is for sure. But in a good way!  She seems to want to know the difference between the way we will love or discipline her and the way it's happened in the past.  It's difficult to know always what to do with very strong willed children. Can't say I've been perfect at it myself, but we do far more right than wrong.  [The approach to parenting traumatized or difficult children, called "Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control," has been a lifesaver. Both for our family, and for the families of those I am privileged to teach at work.]

As a testimony to that approach, Brianna has almost never wanted to go back to her other family, though she has missed them. She occasionally has been afraid that if we were to visit with them, we would leave her there. We have to keep reassuring her that she is in OUR family now, a thought she still seems to find difficult to believe.  Twice she's pulled out her suitcase and started packing, in a demonstration of hurt beyond her years, saying, "You don't WANT me here??" Oh yes, Brianna, we want you here. You are part of our life, present and future. She told our good friends the other day, "You know what? I'm adopted and sealed!" I added, "And that means you will always be a part of our family."

There is, however, no shortage of limit setting, constant focusing of attention on her (if we don't want her to destroy something she shouldn't), and frequent reassuring her of our love.  It's difficult for her to feel completely safe, given that family settings have always shifted around her. We want to be that constant for her, even when other family members come and go. We hope it's not too late for her to relax into security eventually, even when the world around her is filled with change.

I know people wonder just why we would do this at our age. Truthfully, we don't know. We love the family we already have; grandchildren especially have brought such light and joy to our lives. We have loved our children and their spouses; and we certainly have always loved each other.  We just felt compelled to do this; to bring into our home a new child, one whom we could help, and one from whom we could learn, and one more person to love. I just hope this one little girl doesn't detract from the relationship we have with other family members. I don't want anyone to think we love them less because she is in our lives. Once my grandson asked us, "Grandma, [my sister] said to me that you love Brianna more than me." Oh, no, sweet boy, we couldn't do that.  We love YOU as much as your sisters, as much as your brother, your parents, your aunts, uncles and other cousins. And when we miss one member of the family, we feel the pain, even while we are loving having others in our lives. We love them all.

And how just how do you measure love? You just love everyone.  What part of the ocean is more beautiful? or the sky? It's all one giant living thing, like the the love of a parent for her children, or grandchildren. There is no end to it.

I'm just grateful for someone else to ALSO love. It's a wonderful thing.

Tomorrow's the Day!

Adoption day is almost here. We started this adoption journey almost 5 years ago. We felt compelled toward adoption, and two other experiences we attempted ended in failure. But we have learned some things from those failures. As we continue to learn everyday with our little girl.

And what a handful she is! We love her so much! Through the day, we see the many faces of "Brianna" as her meds gear up to help her cope with her excessive hyperactivity; and then again as she unwinds back into her natural self.   Sometimes clients complain to me that the meds make them into another person, or a different person. I like to think of the appropriate dose of appropriate meds, as helping to bring out her best self.

So far, with Brianna, we don't know what that is.  Whether she is delightful and adorable as she knocks on our door before 6 am, and says in her most cheerful voice, "Good MORNING, Mom! Can I have a hug?" Or whether it's 5 pm, her meds are decreasing as her hyperactive and at times defiant level increases,  Through all of this, she is still our little girl. We have learned that when she has thrown down the gauntlet, and practically invited us to "Go ahead, MAKE me do it," this is when we back off or "do the dance" as Heather Forbes says. The dance that says, "I don't have to engage in a power struggle with you," and "I can find other ways, or other approaches that will work." And so far, that approach works much better. It is not worth trying to control her, or make her upset, We are bonding to her, and she to us. Tonight as her tucked her in bed, I felt that feeling one again, she IS our daughter, and tomorrow, it will be officially true.  

She's a challenge, but one we are happy to have in our lives. And tomorrow, it will be as if she were born to us. From our perspective. From her perspective, if she can understand at all what is going on, it may be one more step away from her last family. She has lost two families now; the first she doesn't remember, and the second, she still grieves for on occasion. One of the things that sort of surprised me about adoption, though I'm not sure why, is how adoption of a child is borne out of grief and loss. I don't think about that enough. Of course it is, they are losing one family and gaining another. For us, it's all about, "Yes. We are finally to this stage and no one can take her away from us." For her, it's "Adoption day sounds fun, it's all about me, it's about changing my name." There is no loss for her in that. But at some level, she may realize there is finality in these changes.

On Thanksgiving day, soon after family members arrived, she said how much she missed her last set of parents. I empathized with her, and asked if she wanted me to see if her ex- adoptive father could talk. So that worked out, and Brianna also talked with her ex-sister for the first time in 6 months, and then again to her ex father, with whom she has talked many times. That was helpful, but sad as she asked several times if she could talk to her ex-mom; asking at first for "mom," and then for Amber (her first name). This didn't happen, and excuses were made as to why Mom Amber couldn't come to the phone, "She's busy." "She's at home."  It's hard when some of the adults in her past, who are supposed to care about a child, really don't. And sometimes, we learn, they care so much they are willing to make that ultimate sacrifice, to give a child a chance at a loving and/ or safe home.

I"m grateful to my sweet husband who has been with me throughout this adoption  journey. I'm grateful to other children, who have been through the highs and lows of this process with us, and who have had to give up time and effort and resources for their children, because we have given more to Brianna. We are trying to give all we can still to our grandchildren, and I hope and pray that long term, they will not feel much of a loss, but more of a gain, when it comes to having Brianna in their lives.

Thank you Brianna, for choosing to be a part of our lives.  And soon, we will take you to the temple and you will be sealed to us forever!  It's a symbol of our love for you and that love will last forever.

3.5 months till Adoption!

This morning, I woke up with a dream about Madison, that she was being relocated somewhere near our home. I had a sense, even in my dream, that it had to be a dream, because she has been adopted into someone else's family. Still, it was very meaningful to me that she is STILL showing up in my dreams and I still miss her. Probably always will. Still miss Tasia too, but not as much, because she chose to leave.  She has not contacted us since February. We wish her well in her future life.

So having Brianna here has been lots of fun, and lots of work, as with most children, I suppose. She has her frustrating, annoying moments, sure, but what child doesn't? We enjoy life with Brianna! It is fun to have a six year old and fun to have reason to do more activities with  her, and with the other grandchildren.

So far, the grandchildren have all been pretty accepting. I think with several of them we are past the novelty stage, and into the "You are sometimes fun and sometimes irritating," as in with their own siblings.

I"m grateful that we have her in our lives, NOT because we didn't have enough to do with the children and grandchildren we already have, but because we felt we could do more than we had done.

I am still sad that several of my grandchildren I don't get to see as much, probably because we have Brianna, who is, admittedly, very time consuming. I am sad about that.  I hope they all know how much I care, even if my time is more limited now with the ones who don't live close by. I hope and pray that overall, having Brianna augments quality time with family. Maybe overall it will eventually, but for now, we just do what we can do.

YEs, there are are times when Brianna gets in her defiant mode, and you really have to use all your brains and spirituality, and support network to figure out what to do that would be helpful. But the theory is, the more understanding you are with the child and the behavior, the more she should stabilize. Because she at times will quickly regress into toddlerhood and needs extra care and attention.

I wish I could share all the sweet, adorable times with Brianna:

 I love it when Brianna comes into our room bright and early each morning, and says, "Good morning Mom! Good morning Dad!" I love watching her play with our dog, Aussie as they tumble around together. I love watching her play happily for hours in the back yard, either by herself or with one of the grandkids. I love their happy sounds. I love her spirited (nonstop) talking; she has a thought about everything. I love it when she sees a horse; every horse is named "Flicka!" and every Flicka is hers.

I love hearing her prayers (she wants to say every single one); love that she loves music and singing; and I love tucking her in at night. NIghttime routine is pretty consisted: family prayer, then Dad leaves, then Brianna chooses a story which I read to her, then she says her own prayer, ie, "Heavenly Father, thanks for Karen and Mark. PLus I love Mom and Dad. Plus I love Aussie" a few other "plusses" and she is done within 10 seconds.) Then I sing her 3 songs of her choosing, while scratching the requisite arm, or spot on her back. Then I may rest a minute by her, or she may say, "Will you please leave my room now?" I wish I could portray all the sweet, adorable moments we share with her. But you would probably just think we are still honeymooning. I really don't think so.

With Brianna, you pretty much get what you get. And we are glad we "got" her.

We are the proud parents of a SIX YEAR OLD!

So in March, we were contacted by a DCFS worker in Salt Lake who said they had a six year old they wanted to place. She wasn't actually in DCFS custody, but it was a disrupted adoption, and they needed a family as soon as possible.

They took our home study, considered us, and within a couple of days, called and told us we had been selected for "B" or Brianna, as she will be called here. We were excited, but just a bit nervous. Certainly an 18 year old was too old to blend into a new family; but would a six year old be too young for us? We are not spring chickens!

However, we prayed and fasted about this, and decided, over and over, that we felt good about Brianna. Our faith and ability to know we can have answers to prayers has been tested to the limit with the past failed attempts at adoption. Can we do this? For some reason, we believe we can.

So, after five weeks of transitioning her, last night after her therapy visit, she moved in for good. We were going to wait a few more days, but she kept asking to come back home with us, and we had heard how bad her behavior had been last week with her family. (It has got to be hard feeling caught between two families, and not even understanding the reason why.)

So after we decided to go ahead and bring her home last night, it was rather bittersweet, however, as she was told she could back to live with us for a really long time. Bittersweet as she at first, happily said goodbye to her adoptive father, who really has been her almost sole support for quite some time. Bittersweet after saying good bye to her dad and driving away, she began crying saying she missed her family. We called him up and talked to him briefly, and she felt better. We will continue to do that as often as she needs, and allow visits as much as long as it is helpful.

I don't think she will be an easy child, however. She is frequently disobedient or likes to take control, but with gentle reminders, she seems to be able to be pulled back into compliance. We are applying our Beyond Consequences training, which has been very helpful so far.

We have already bonded with her quite a bit; she is especially close to Mark, I think because she is used to dads being the caretakers. It's good for him, but I do my share of caretaking too. Bedtimes are sweet moments; we have developed a routine, two stories, a prayer, two songs, usually Twinkle Twinkle, and I am a Child of God. And back scratching. Fifteen minutes, and then she is out.

It's 6:36 a.m., and she just came into our room, said good morning, and said how much she liked being here. She then said, "I like you guys. I like you Karen. Can I borrow your Ipad?" (Lol. I contemplated letting her know she could borrow my Ipad, even without telling me she liked me.) But then she went on, Ipad in hand. "I love you guys." We reaffirmed we love her too.

And we do. We love children! And so far, she's not hard to love. No, I don't think it will be easy. (Okay, I know we are still "honeymooning" here, more than I know probably. I will keep you posted on that!)

We are taking a step back, and a step forward, as we begin the task of raising a young child. Will we do things the same as we did with our biological children? Some things like reading lots of books, playing outside, going to the park frequently. But other things I will try to learn from how our grown children parent: watching closely to see we are consistent and follow through with expectations, getting her involved in sports, or other activities, as she is able, looking for educational activities for her to participate in, and using, we hope, LOTS AND LOTS of patience! Which truthfully, I think I've learned from my adorable grandchildren, more than anyone.

And despite being "new" parents, I hope and pray to be as involved  I hope we can stay involved with our grown children's lives, and in the lives of our grandchildren. Which I think we will because we have Brianna to engage in all kinds of life experiences with them. And I hope we can still do some of the things we have come to love: family history, being with friends, traveling, bicycling, art. If that's just not too much to ask.

So here is our new adventure. We hope THIS time, we can succeed. What is success? Just loving her, teaching her, hoping for the best, but not expecting miracles necessarily. However, as my wonderful sister in law who was adopted as a five year old told me the other day, "It's so cool you're adopting her. I hate to think where I would have been without being adopted as a child."

Do we expect miracles? Maybe the miracle is in having someone else to love and to give to and do for, and to become the best WE can be, while we hope for the best she can be. We are grateful for the opportunity.

February; there IS spring, and hope ahead!

Most Februarys are rather bleak. It is that time of year when winter never seems to want to quit holding onto us, preventing us from having the hope we feel at springtime. And this February is no different. February 11 is one year from the time we met her. She had planned that we would go out to the restaurant where we first met her on that day. Instead, February 11 sneaked by unnoticed in our lives.

It's been difficult attempting to heal from the second failed adoption attempt. I can't say that we failed this time, only maybe in allowing it to go on so long. But after our first effort, we were determined that WE wouldn't be the ones to pull the plug another time. It hurt so much to be the ones to hurt our first girl, that we couldn't see doing that again.

But overall, we can see we tried our best, we gave her our love, and then, when she said she couldn't do it, we let her go, with not that much of a fuss. A lot of heartache, maybe, but not much of a fuss. So she is gone, she is not talking to us and that's unfortunate, but fine, if that's what she has to do. We did expect and hope for the impossible. We thought love could heal and repair the damage that she suffered at others' hands. But  it wasn't enough, at least, not in the time frame we had.

So I am trying to follow my own grief counseling; allow time to talk about it, feel the pain, allow time to adjust to this very quiet house,  We are getting involved in new activities: family history, I'm learning the organ, I"m playing the piano more, we are spending time with the dog Tasia left behind (a topic in itself). I'm learning to quilt (thanks daughter Sarah), we are going on short trips, we are spending much quality time alone together, watching shows that Tasia didn't like, and redecorating as we can. I'm trying to exercise more, go on bike rides, go to the gym. It was OUR place, ours with Tasia, but I'm not willing to completely give it up for the sad memories.

We are also spending much more time with our grandkids, which is very pleasant. They are so adorable. And more time with our biological kids and their spouses.

We still skip past many songs on our phones or on the radio that remind us of her. We still break down and cry at times. But not as often. We are pretty sure she's been able to stuff away any feelings of sadness. She has moved on, and so must we.

Would we ever attempt this again? Hard to say. Two very difficult experiences attempting to adopt an older teen that did not come to fruition make us hesitate to try again. What good came out of the past 3 years? None that I can really see. But who knows, maybe the good lies up ahead.

I made a list yesterday of the things I want to accomplish before I die, whether that is one year or 30 years away. Here it is:

Spend lots of time with Mark; go to the temple often, continue counseling as long as I can; exercise a lot; be close to my ideal weight; travel, adopt (yes that's still in there); get really good at art, be a great therapist, and a great organist; go to Europe, spend a LOT of time with family, finish the story of my life, do lots of family history, pay off all debt, have a year's supply of food, see Tasia and Madison again and let them feel my love, and let my husband, children and their families know how very much I love them.

Gave it one more try

So we tried to reach out to her again today. But it didn't work. I think she's just not ready for a family.

Kind of a rough time for us, but we will recover eventually. I hope Tasia recovers from walking away from us. We tried to do a nearly impossible thing, and I guess we shouldn't have been too surprised it didn't work out.

Hopefully, someday we will look back and say, "There! That's what we learned right there! This or that couldn't have happened if it weren't for these hard times!" And we hope that she has learned something good from being with us. We keep hoping for that, and for someday, especially, a miracle in her life.

We always will love her.

Merry ? Christmas!

It's a beautiful sunny, but snowy day in Northern Utah. From where I sit, I can see our entire valley, spanning out to the mountains on the other side. It's a little hazy in the distance, which seems appropriate for life in our home right now..

First, let me say, that generally, I love Christmas. I love the music, the decorations, the shopping, and the time with family. And most of all, I love the extra focus on Jesus, and I often feel closer to him this month. This has been a difficult month however. Monday, our 18 year old foster-to-adopt daughter, Tasia, chose to leave our home. She had had to pay some pretty stiff consequences (not really of our choice) for her very difficult behavior 10 days ago-- and was out of our home for over a week. We didn't think at first she would come back at all. But in spite of her bad behavior, we again offered to finalize her adoption as soon as possible, and we offered to help her find a place to live in the Valley to get her started toward her independent life-- with a family to help back her up.

But coming home, even temporarily, was just too much for her; too much of thinking she could blow up again at us; too much embarrassment and shame that she blew up before. And bottom line, loving people like us, and feeling love from us, is just really too scary for a child/adult where to be loved was to be hurt.

So Tasia is gone. We hope for some kind of a continuing relationship with her, because even though she is so difficult, we just love her. Fully and completely. We love her and even get rather upset with ourselves that we do.  She felt like one of our children. Now that she has gone, we are trying to separate ourselves from her emotionally, while still trying to keep a line of communication open in case she wants to reach out to us. Very difficult to do.

So what have we learned? My sister told me today, "There are no failures, just learning opportunities." We have learned you can love someone who is often unlovable. That you can forgive even when there is no reason to forgive. We have learned we are not too old to have fun! And whether we are able to move on and find peace, is a learning opportunity that remains to be experienced.

But on this Christmas day, where life feels bleak in spite of good times, safety, peace, quiet, (my son-in-law's frequent comment to his kids popped into my mind when one of his children are running off to sulk, "Don't threaten ME with peace and quiet!"). But though life feels bleak for many people at Christmas time because of loss, loneliness, broken dreams, sad and distant memories, there is the Savior to heal us-- Heavenly Father to help us get through sad times and family members and friends who do care and reach out. THere are smles of our little grandkids and their joy of life especially at this time of year. I love to watch the expression on their faces as they open presents, and even as they watch siblings and cousins open their presents, and how they celebrate with others their good fortune at the new gift.

I love these people who are in my life. The two sons, three daughters, their spouses, and nearly ten grandchildren. They bring joy to us, and they help to fill many empty spaces in our hearts.  And  I am so grateful for my dear husband. We grieve together, but generally, one of us grieves more than the other, so we can help each other through this challenging time.

And most of all, I'm grateful for Heavenly Father and his Son. It is because of them we can all get through the hard times. It is because of the Savior that people like Tasia can someday, have their hearts healed.  And it because of Him and his birth, life, atonement and resurrection there is that opportunity for an eternal future with our friends and family and loved ones. And somehow, someday, because of the Savior, our hearts will heal too.


Love you Tasia, wherever you are in life, and whatever you do. Take care, remember the good  times and good people who have led you, and make good choices. You have so much good inside of you! God loves you and always will.

Life again Marches ON!

It's been quite awhile since I've posted anything to this blog. And I hesitate to now, but I think I will go ahead despite my hesitations. I want to protect privacy, at the same time I want to share this experience with those of you out there who regularly read this, and some who just happen to come across it.

So nearly two months ago, Tasia moved in. Honeymoon phase didn't last too long. Let's be clear, we are using all the skills we can, trying unconditional love, and at times things go well. But other times, not so much. But we knew to expect that. It's just reality is reality! However, we are hanging in there (almost) no matter what. If there is anything we learned from the last adventures in foster-to-adopt, giving up is more painful than NOT giving up!! And it's teaching us all kinds of things about ourselves, like how to pull out strengths we didn't think we had, how to NOT say what we really WANT to say (well, harder for me than Mark.) How to turn the other cheek, (I've found numerous cheeks to turn!) How to forgive far faster than I thought capable.

It's also taught me how resilient kids can be, how they can cope with what seems like insurmountable problems. I'm not going to get specific here, to maintain privacy, but life can be tough for so many children out there.

And though I have to ask myself (and I DO), why they heck are we trying this? I love that story of the man who comes across a boy on the beach, throwing back into the water stranded starfish. The man says to the boy, "Why are you doing this? Don't you see how many starfish there are still stranded? You can't possible make a difference to all of them!" And the boy answers, as he throws yet another starfish into the water, "Well, I made a difference to that one!"

That's our hope. We don't know what will end up happening frankly. She IS 18 after all, and somedays, like to most teenagers, having a permanent family sounds more like a jail sentence (I suspect) than a good idea! So we will see how it goes.

And for any friends and family who are reading this, I just want to tell you thanks for your support. It means a lot. If you have any other friends or family out there who are trying to foster and/or adopt children, let them know how much you care. It's definitely far harder than it looks. Let's hope in the end, it's also  far more rewarding!!

A New "Child"

I remembered the other day that my desire to adopt didn't just start a few years back. It began before I even met Mark. I remember talking with a friend when I was a teenager about someday adopting children who needed a home. This dream took many years to get even close to fruition. But we are getting closer. Not so much with Madison, however. Her team has several other families, in addition to us, who want her. Will we be considered again? Our fear says no; our faith and hope says yes.

So we are in the awkward position of moving on, while holding on to hopes from the past. But some aspects of the future look delightful.

In November, one of the caseworkers who were assigned to the Madison case told us he had the perfect child for us. She was almost 18, and about to age out of foster care. "Anastasia" came from Russia 7 years before. Tasia really wanted a family still. Because we were still working with Madison and Shelly's teams, we didn't even consider her. But by the end of January, we decided it was time to think about Tasia, the one who IS ready for a home.

Over the past almost two months now, we have been getting to know Tasia. We are really enjoying her. This week she will spend Spring Break with us, after having spent the last couple of weekends with us. She is fun to have around. We are happy to offer her a home, a family, or friendship, whatever she chooses.  So far, she is choosing a future which involves us.

This doesn't mean we love Madison any less, or that we want her back any less, but we are hoping to eventually have both girls in our lives. Shelly I guess will have to wait awhile, and it sounds like that is just what her team wants to do.

So the question may come up, why are we driven to adopt?  Like many families who feel these urges, there is purpose in them. These children who have had to struggle far more than most of us, still need that love and support to guide them through their lives. They need a  place to come back to for holidays, a place to call when they are hurting, alone, or in need of assistance.  They need a family. Welcome to ours, Tasia.

Here we are....

I'm not really sure who I am writing this to, or really why. But writing does heal, to some extent.

We still want to foster to adopt, but it sure isn't easy to follow your heart sometimes! Especially when other people are not on board where your heart is leading.

We found out that while Madison's DCFS team are finally not opposed to us having visits with her, it has to go through her Judge. Which has obstacles of its own. We grieve Madison still, and always will I'm afraid.

With the other girl for whom we have been selected as foster to adopt parents for Shelly (also not her real name), BUT her team doesn't think she's ready for parents. Like many professionals, they expect her to somehow get stable BEFORE she goes to a permanent home. But we have learned that it takes permanency before they eventually become stable.

So it's tiring, and we wish sometimes we could just move on to the next stage of life without this step. But something keeps us here, and we believe it's the sense that our family is not yet complete.

Why NOT you??

So I had this conversation the other day with Mark, since like the 100th person asked us, "Why would you want to do this? You have a nice peaceful life, you could look forward to retirement. Are you crazy??"  Yes, a little bit. And points are well taken.

Why? We don't know why exactly. It feels like one of the things we are supposed to do in this life, to give another child (or several children) a permanent home and eternal family. (I'm sure I've blogged about this before.) We are so happy to have the five great kids we have! But somehow, we feel like we aren't done yet. So we are following our hearts, something that we hope others will and do understand, despite its craziness.

BUT, I have come up with a new question, that is probably far more direct and to the point, and quite frankly, almost rude, but the answer is, when someone asks us about why we want to give a home to one of the thousands of children in the US without one, "Hmm, the real question is, 'Why don't you??"

There, I've said it. It's out there. We are not trying to do this for our own selfish needs. We are not trying to do this to fill our empty home. Before Madison, we LIKED our empty home. We are not doing this because we are bored and having nothing else to do. We are not doing this to make up for something lack. Our purpose, before Madison, was altruistic. We are doing this because it needs to be done, because we have love and space in our home and hearts for other children, and because we can.

So, when you someday, get to that point in your life, when you ask God, as I did, "What else can I do?" you might want to consider this as part of your answer.  :) And if you decide this IS or ISN'T the answer for you and your family, that is just fine. I will support you!

Thanksgiving morning

Today we should be able to see all of our family, except for Kevin and Michelle in Los Angeles. I am trying hard to be grateful for all of our blessings-- and to focus on the present moment.  NOT what, or        WHO we don't have.  But I think holidays do tend to make loss more poignant. I know there are so many people in the world who are suffering loss today. And trying like we are to make the best of it.

So what cheers me? First, my good husband, who is lying next to me in bed as I type. Then, my grandchildren, who bring so much joy. Also, the fact that I pray to a loving a Heavenly Father who I KNOW is there.  He lifts me up at my darkest moments, and gives me the strength to help others! Such a gift.  And I am helped by the gift of my children and their spouses. I hope I give back to you some of what I get, now that you're all grown.

Happy thanksgiving all! And I hope if you have a loss in your life, that you TOO will turn to the source of peace and comfort.  He will help, when all else fails. And someday He WILL make it okay in the end. This, I know.

Moving On, sort of....

November 7, 2012

Two months today since we saw Madison. We have heard there is still some consideration about whether we could be allowed visits. But for now, even if visits are allowed, adoption is probably not on the table in the near future, because we have been selected for another girl, Shelly (also not her real name.) She's almost 13 and a girl we have felt strongly about this entire year. We saw her from a distance back in  February at a team meeting about her. Today we meet with some of her team members to set up resources for her here in our small city. (There is a risk blogging about Shelly, because things could change: not on OUR parts, we are committed to being her permanent family. But we are putting our hearts on the line for another child, so the fact that I'm blogging about it, can't really increase our risk of hurt, just because friends and family know about it, right?? I hope! It's kind of like telling people you are newly pregnant-- you are completely committed to having the child, but things beyond your control DO change outcome at times.)

For example, we heard Monday that the Judge decided a transition from her foster care placement to our home can't start until after the holidays. We had hoped to have her here before then. So while that's disappointing, there are probably good things about it. She is not going to be an easy kid, and in some ways, more difficult than Madison. But we've studied, and attended trainings and we are ready to hit the ground running.

The other good thing about a delayed start to transitioning Shelly here, is that we do still really miss Madison. I guess once we hear what Madison's team decides, we will have a couple of months to acclimatize to that before Shelly comes to live with us. If it's "No, we are going to not allow any more visits or contact," then we will need that time for grief and closure. If it's "Yes, you can have visits with her," then that will allow some time for a few visits before we begin transitioning with Shelly. (We hope that Madison will have less fear about having contact with us, if the Adoption word is not possibly scaring her. But we would bring her home in a heartbeat if it were allowed and this is what she wanted! However, we are equally committed to bringing home Shelly. Her team selected us partly because they knew Madison was off the table for now. We have told them we still hope to have Madison in our lives. But the fact is, transitioning one child at a time is probably far healthier for everyone.)

We still have so many regrets: that we knew too little too late; that we weren't prepared for Madison. And we have many regrets that her team wouldn't consider bringing her back earlier. But if they had, would we have found Shelly? We continue to believe with all our illogical hearts and minds that Madison will someday return to us. We hope and pray it's SOONER rather than later. Oh wait, "sooner" has already left the building!

We believe we are going into this lifelong commitment to Shelly with our eyes wide open. We have read all the history DCFS has about her; we have educated ourselves, attended lots of trainings, and her team is preparing all the resources to be ready to go from the first day of placement with us.  (What a difference an informed and well prepared team makes! Something we didn't have the last time.) 

So why are we doing this you might ask? Good question, one we have asked ourselves on a regular basis. First, since our daughter and her husband adopted out of foster care eight years ago, we have had the desire to help several children to have permanent, and hopefully eternal families of their own. And also, there is just something driving us to adopt. We feel certain it's Heavenly Father, telling us this is what He wants us to do. But we have been told by many people who adopt, or who work with adopting families, that this is common: that people who adopt feel drawn to do this. We know this is the right thing for us to do, despite the fact that life is okay without it. (Or was, before we had and lost Madison.) We have great children, in-laws, and grandchildren. We have good jobs, hobbies, and each other. But there is a void. And we do believe this is how we are supposed to fill it. And I believe if you follow your heart and soul in the direction it wants to take you, you will eventually find satisfaction and peace. So that's my plan! And on we go.

We saw Madison!

It was a wonderful visit. She even told us she wanted to come back. We were so thrilled.  For about five days, until her therapist told us Madison had changed her mind.  Then the next we heard was that the judge ruled us out as a permanency option.  We were and are still crushed.  At least we got to tell her of our love, of our sorrow, and hopefully took away any feeling of guilt on her behalf.

But we are trying to move on.  We still feel like its our mission to adopt and offer several children a permanent family.  We will never forget Madison, nor stop hoping things will change. Our hope and belief is that God is still driving this and someday it we will understand the purpose behind all this pain and frustration.  It is my faith that it will all work out someday.  We love you Madison! And all our children, the ones we see often, and the ones we don't. Family makes life worth living.  Thank Heaven it's eternal!

Hope ahead

Met with her therapist.  She's planning for us to see Madison. Don't want to say too much yet and get our hopes up.  But there are reasons to hope.  This week.  Pray for us, if you don't mind!

One Year Today! And where we are now...

It's been one year today since we told Madison we couldn't keep her, and she was taken out of our home. We immediately began trying to reconnect with her, since we were told that day we weren't going to be able to see her or talk with her.

It's been almost 10 months now since we asked for her back. In the same ten months we have been studying the Beyond Consequences method of parenting for children like Madison and feel MUCH better prepared in SO many ways, not the least of which is knowing how much we love her just like one of our own.

The state is still trying to figure out how to proceed. They have decided we should get a therapist to work with Madison's therapist. Which we did. We don't feel like have any major issues to work through, other than the grief that comes from losing contact with a beloved child. And help to reinforce the changes we have made in our minds and heart since she left.  Today we are anxiously awaiting the NEXT move on the state's part, which is for our therapist to meet with her therapist on August 24th, and THEN we'll know what happens next.

We are still fighting the shame we feel for having made the decision to have her removed, with the realization that we worked hard to come to that decision and felt it was the necessary thing that had to happen. Even our therapist agreed: "What else could you do? You weren't given any other options!" We agree, and feel like we are now grateful that the state made this therapist and my husband, a former LDS bishop, get our own therapist. Maybe NOW we will have an advocate.

We still feel certain that trying to get Madison back into our lives IS the right step. And we believe wholeheartedly that Madison WILL come back to be apart of her family. And even if you take inspiration from the Lord out of it, you could look at it this way:  She is in foster care. In four years, she will be set free, if nothing changes, to be part of NO one's family. Young adults in that position do NOT do well. (Again, a high percentage of them end up in jail, on drugs, or pregnant.) This is why, more than anything, we wanted to provide a home for Madison, and maybe another child someday.  It hurts to think ANYONE wouldn't have a loving family to turn to throughout their lives.

YES, we are sad we weren't ready for Madison at the time. How we wish we had been! But we're ready now. We believe, though it's likely that Madison doesn't necessarily want to come back, that given time, it will be what she wants too.

Occasionally, we have moments of severe discouragement because it seems like trying to see her again is  chasing a moving target. The state keeps changing what they have agreed to allow. Sometimes we get afraid the time of seeing Madison will NEVER arrive.We know the state is trying to do what they think is best: they say they want the first meeting with Madison to go as well as possible. And believe me, so do we!

So you see, we're just a BIT heart broken. But we know we cannot walk away from her. We tried!! She is OURS in our heart, as much as any of our biological children are. And just like, even with biological children who on occasion keep their distance, you don't give up on them. Ever.

We will never give up on you again Madison. And we hope and pray for you every single day. Just like one of our own. How we look forward to that day when we can tell you that in person. 

Sad update

It's been a very difficult week. It's hard to even describe. We had been told our foster daughter WAS coming back, by several important people. Until last Tuesday night, we were convinced everyone was on board with it, and all that remained was a transition plan that worked for Madison. we were even under the impression we were going to see her within a few days. But the therapist is not really on our side, and convinced many of the team that we were not good enough for Madison, who had told her I yelled a lot at her. I did raise my voice maybe half a dozen times at her. Which I wish I hadn't, but no one is perfect, right? The plan now is supposedly the therapist is going to ask Madison if she wants to just hang out with us. Her previous foster mother said Madison NEVER wants to see people from her past because it's too emotional. But they want this young girl to sort out her own future I guess. So unless DCFS gets their act together to figure out how to get us to begin working things out with Madison, she will probably never come back to us as a minor child. She could age out of foster care. Prognosis for kids in that scenario is TERRIBLE. The majority get involved in drugs, end up in jail, or girls end up pregnant. We really have worked hard to change. We have learned a new parenting approach specifically designed for kids from trauma. It seems that the more people see we care a lot about Madison, the more they accuse us of having an agenda and doing what WE need instead of what Madison needs. A least there is one caseworker who believes that our agenda is what is best for Madison, to give her a permanent, loving home. We have been convinced all along that despite having her leave, believing it was in HER best interest, that with the right support, Madison would flourish in a home that's now very prepared for her needs. We have decided to step back. They know how to contact us. If nothing changes, and they allow this poor girl to remain in foster care because there are NO permanency plans, we might take more action to see that SOMEONE is looking out for her best interests. And maybe to help others to avoid going through the trauma we have been through. We continue to try to have faith in God, despite all the many obstacles.

Why We Want to Adopt

I'm always torn between sharing info on our lives with others and keeping it to ourselves. As a therapist I love listening to others. I love and appreciate the confidence people place in me to share the most intimate details of their lives with me. I try to show the utmost respect for this. So to post such a deeply personal blog as the previous one is pretty difficult for me. In our church, we are given deeply personal blessings as teenagers, usually, that help guide our lives. One brief piece of guidance is to be willing to share with others. And I don't think it just meant my stuff! So that's what I do, on occasion. Maybe too much at times. But we live in a much more open world, the world of Facebook, Twitter, and blogs. So at least I'm not alone.

So in that vein, maybe I should fill you in on why adopting a child who needs a permanent home is a part of how we want to spend the rest of our lives. I'd like to, but I am not sure I can. Is it because we are afraid of the empty nest? Maybe. At least some, but we do have quite a large nest to share. Is it because we are worried that it's just the two of us and we have to face each other now the kids are gone? No, because we have always been close. Is it because we are bored? Huh. Boredom? What's that? We have no time for boredom. Is it because we don't REALLY want to spend the last thirty years of our lives traveling the world, going on missions, and enjoying retirement? No, because we STILL hope and plan to get that in too. Is it because our five children, their spouses and nine grandchildren are not enough, somehow? No, because they ARE the light of our lives. But that last reason comes the closest, so far. We love them SO much, and want to share our lives, love, time, energy, and means with another child, or children, even. Because the love just grows.

And the final reason, and the most important reason, relates to who we are at our core. Mark and I love God! We know He's real and that He is a part of our lives. We believe to adopt a child, or perhaps two before we are done, IS what He wants from us. And I am not ashamed or embarrassed to admit that.

Our experience that is detailed in the previous post includes all but our reasons why this is so important to us. Bottom line, we want to share our love with those who need it, forever, not just for the next few years. And we are grateful to try to do just that.

Getting closer!

Hi all who may read this, (Spoiler alert! Positive news at the end of this sad story! Also, Madison is not her real name, those of you who know the situation know that. But I am trying to maintain confidentiality here. Thanks for your interest if you actually read this whole long story!)

Madison, a 12 year old girl, came to live with us January 2011. She left, at our request, in August, 2011. I wanted to explain, as succinctly as possible, what we have been through in the nearly eight months since Madison has been gone.

When we told the state in July we couldn't handle her level of need, we did this with a lot of prayer. As hard as it was, we knew we weren't prepared for her. The state had given us very little information up front about her, and we had asked little up front. When the family therapist tried to introduce us to a new approach, I especially resisted, thinking I knew how to raise kids. But I didn't know how to raise kids who have been through what Madison has. Her behavior was pretty typical really, and the approach we were using was the wrong approach.

So with much grief and anguish, last August 12, we let her go. We thought we would soon get back to normal, but the grief has not stopped. While we are still both convinced we had to let her go, and that we were on a trajectory that would lead to more and more challenges, we have grieved her loss every day. The state allowed no contact with her, despite us being led to believe that was not only possible, but healthy for her. When we learned that we would not be allowed contact, one hour before they took her out of our home, we were so upset, especially at the therapist and caseworker who we felt, misled us into believing contact would happen.

You may or may not know Madison was placed in our oldest daughter's LDS ward. They began to see her at church on Sunday. They live three blocks away from her. At first it was agonizing for them to see her. Her foster family has been told to keep her away from us, or anyone from our family, because we let her go and were very unhappy about the way the situation was handled. (We filed a grievance report with the state to hopefully help our case to allow contact within a week after she left.) Little by little, Madison seemed more comfortable with seeing Anna and family at church. I went to church with them a couple of times soon after Madison left, but for a time, I didn't see Madison.

After two months of intense grief, Mark and I realized we wanted to make every change we could to make this work. We asked for her back. We were at least allowed to write cards and letters, though we don't know whether she has ever read one. We continued to pray and try every angle we could think of to see if we could get Madison back. We talked to people, consulted several lawyers, and began intense training to learn new strategies. We flew to Denver to participate in the Beyond Consequences model of working with children like Madison. We participate in weekly live training sessions, we have read every book they have. We watch videos of Madison's behavior during her worst moments, and practice how we would handle them differently.

After letting our foster license lapse for a few months, we got relicensed. (this is to let you know we never abused her in any way, except for being ignorant of how to handle her worst behavior in a way that would help her through it, rather than exacerbate it. Basically, you are there for them, and then when they calm, is the time to talk it through. You ask, not, "How do I get my child to change her behavior?" As much as "What is driving this behavior?" And "What can I do to build my relationship with her right now?")

More than anything else, what has changed is a deep realization that we love her no matter what. That we love her as much as any of our biological children. How did that happen in the eight months we had her in our lives? I don't know. But it did, and we miss her as much as if she were our biological child.

I have seen Madison four or five times at Anna's ward in the last month or so. (I've gone to help my 3 year old grandson adjust to his primary class. Sunbeams just aren't quite as fun as the nursery was, for him!) When Madison's foster family isn't nearby, Madison has been positive towards us in those brief interactions. I just said hi and talked for a couple of seconds. I haven't tried to hug her, though our grand kids have given her big hugs when they see her, and she responds very positively to that. However, the foster family again, shields her from us, which has been very hurtful. But when they weren't nearby, she smiled and talked briefly, and even appeared to seek us out.

We don't know what Madison thinks about us, or about the idea of coming back. We believe she is most likely resistant to the idea. We also know she is still young, and doesn't necessarily know what she needs in her future. We believe we ARE what she needs! We already love her, KNOW her, are 100% committed to raising her for the rest of OUR lives as part of our family. We believe we have done everything we can to prepare for her return from a fully informed position, instead of a naive and unaware position.

We are also pretty sure there are no other permanency plans for her. We have just been asking for visits with her, with the hope and the expectations that she would want to come back willingly and happily someday.

We have felt strongly, after many many prayers that Madison is meant to be our daughter. We love her so much! As difficult of a process this has been, we feel we are getting close to the end of this agonizing trial. Thank you for your faith and prayers in our behalf. We will let you know of more progress, but we think it's just around the corner.