Adoption day is almost here. We started this adoption journey almost 5 years ago. We felt compelled toward adoption, and two other experiences we attempted ended in failure. But we have learned some things from those failures. As we continue to learn everyday with our little girl.
And what a handful she is! We love her so much! Through the day, we see the many faces of "Brianna" as her meds gear up to help her cope with her excessive hyperactivity; and then again as she unwinds back into her natural self. Sometimes clients complain to me that the meds make them into another person, or a different person. I like to think of the appropriate dose of appropriate meds, as helping to bring out her best self.
So far, with Brianna, we don't know what that is. Whether she is delightful and adorable as she knocks on our door before 6 am, and says in her most cheerful voice, "Good MORNING, Mom! Can I have a hug?" Or whether it's 5 pm, her meds are decreasing as her hyperactive and at times defiant level increases, Through all of this, she is still our little girl. We have learned that when she has thrown down the gauntlet, and practically invited us to "Go ahead, MAKE me do it," this is when we back off or "do the dance" as Heather Forbes says. The dance that says, "I don't have to engage in a power struggle with you," and "I can find other ways, or other approaches that will work." And so far, that approach works much better. It is not worth trying to control her, or make her upset, We are bonding to her, and she to us. Tonight as her tucked her in bed, I felt that feeling one again, she IS our daughter, and tomorrow, it will be officially true.
She's a challenge, but one we are happy to have in our lives. And tomorrow, it will be as if she were born to us. From our perspective. From her perspective, if she can understand at all what is going on, it may be one more step away from her last family. She has lost two families now; the first she doesn't remember, and the second, she still grieves for on occasion. One of the things that sort of surprised me about adoption, though I'm not sure why, is how adoption of a child is borne out of grief and loss. I don't think about that enough. Of course it is, they are losing one family and gaining another. For us, it's all about, "Yes. We are finally to this stage and no one can take her away from us." For her, it's "Adoption day sounds fun, it's all about me, it's about changing my name." There is no loss for her in that. But at some level, she may realize there is finality in these changes.
On Thanksgiving day, soon after family members arrived, she said how much she missed her last set of parents. I empathized with her, and asked if she wanted me to see if her ex- adoptive father could talk. So that worked out, and Brianna also talked with her ex-sister for the first time in 6 months, and then again to her ex father, with whom she has talked many times. That was helpful, but sad as she asked several times if she could talk to her ex-mom; asking at first for "mom," and then for Amber (her first name). This didn't happen, and excuses were made as to why Mom Amber couldn't come to the phone, "She's busy." "She's at home." It's hard when some of the adults in her past, who are supposed to care about a child, really don't. And sometimes, we learn, they care so much they are willing to make that ultimate sacrifice, to give a child a chance at a loving and/ or safe home.
I"m grateful to my sweet husband who has been with me throughout this adoption journey. I'm grateful to other children, who have been through the highs and lows of this process with us, and who have had to give up time and effort and resources for their children, because we have given more to Brianna. We are trying to give all we can still to our grandchildren, and I hope and pray that long term, they will not feel much of a loss, but more of a gain, when it comes to having Brianna in their lives.
Thank you Brianna, for choosing to be a part of our lives. And soon, we will take you to the temple and you will be sealed to us forever! It's a symbol of our love for you and that love will last forever.
