Saturday, December 28, 2013

Gave it one more try

So we tried to reach out to her again today. But it didn't work. I think she's just not ready for a family.

Kind of a rough time for us, but we will recover eventually. I hope Tasia recovers from walking away from us. We tried to do a nearly impossible thing, and I guess we shouldn't have been too surprised it didn't work out.

Hopefully, someday we will look back and say, "There! That's what we learned right there! This or that couldn't have happened if it weren't for these hard times!" And we hope that she has learned something good from being with us. We keep hoping for that, and for someday, especially, a miracle in her life.

We always will love her.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Merry ? Christmas!

It's a beautiful sunny, but snowy day in Northern Utah. From where I sit, I can see our entire valley, spanning out to the mountains on the other side. It's a little hazy in the distance, which seems appropriate for life in our home right now..

First, let me say, that generally, I love Christmas. I love the music, the decorations, the shopping, and the time with family. And most of all, I love the extra focus on Jesus, and I often feel closer to him this month. This has been a difficult month however. Monday, our 18 year old foster-to-adopt daughter, Tasia, chose to leave our home. She had had to pay some pretty stiff consequences (not really of our choice) for her very difficult behavior 10 days ago-- and was out of our home for over a week. We didn't think at first she would come back at all. But in spite of her bad behavior, we again offered to finalize her adoption as soon as possible, and we offered to help her find a place to live in the Valley to get her started toward her independent life-- with a family to help back her up.

But coming home, even temporarily, was just too much for her; too much of thinking she could blow up again at us; too much embarrassment and shame that she blew up before. And bottom line, loving people like us, and feeling love from us, is just really too scary for a child/adult where to be loved was to be hurt.

So Tasia is gone. We hope for some kind of a continuing relationship with her, because even though she is so difficult, we just love her. Fully and completely. We love her and even get rather upset with ourselves that we do.  She felt like one of our children. Now that she has gone, we are trying to separate ourselves from her emotionally, while still trying to keep a line of communication open in case she wants to reach out to us. Very difficult to do.

So what have we learned? My sister told me today, "There are no failures, just learning opportunities." We have learned you can love someone who is often unlovable. That you can forgive even when there is no reason to forgive. We have learned we are not too old to have fun! And whether we are able to move on and find peace, is a learning opportunity that remains to be experienced.

But on this Christmas day, where life feels bleak in spite of good times, safety, peace, quiet, (my son-in-law's frequent comment to his kids popped into my mind when one of his children are running off to sulk, "Don't threaten ME with peace and quiet!"). But though life feels bleak for many people at Christmas time because of loss, loneliness, broken dreams, sad and distant memories, there is the Savior to heal us-- Heavenly Father to help us get through sad times and family members and friends who do care and reach out. THere are smles of our little grandkids and their joy of life especially at this time of year. I love to watch the expression on their faces as they open presents, and even as they watch siblings and cousins open their presents, and how they celebrate with others their good fortune at the new gift.

I love these people who are in my life. The two sons, three daughters, their spouses, and nearly ten grandchildren. They bring joy to us, and they help to fill many empty spaces in our hearts.  And  I am so grateful for my dear husband. We grieve together, but generally, one of us grieves more than the other, so we can help each other through this challenging time.

And most of all, I'm grateful for Heavenly Father and his Son. It is because of them we can all get through the hard times. It is because of the Savior that people like Tasia can someday, have their hearts healed.  And it because of Him and his birth, life, atonement and resurrection there is that opportunity for an eternal future with our friends and family and loved ones. And somehow, someday, because of the Savior, our hearts will heal too.


Love you Tasia, wherever you are in life, and whatever you do. Take care, remember the good  times and good people who have led you, and make good choices. You have so much good inside of you! God loves you and always will.