Friday, August 31, 2012

Hope ahead

Met with her therapist.  She's planning for us to see Madison. Don't want to say too much yet and get our hopes up.  But there are reasons to hope.  This week.  Pray for us, if you don't mind!

Sunday, August 12, 2012

One Year Today! And where we are now...

It's been one year today since we told Madison we couldn't keep her, and she was taken out of our home. We immediately began trying to reconnect with her, since we were told that day we weren't going to be able to see her or talk with her.

It's been almost 10 months now since we asked for her back. In the same ten months we have been studying the Beyond Consequences method of parenting for children like Madison and feel MUCH better prepared in SO many ways, not the least of which is knowing how much we love her just like one of our own.

The state is still trying to figure out how to proceed. They have decided we should get a therapist to work with Madison's therapist. Which we did. We don't feel like have any major issues to work through, other than the grief that comes from losing contact with a beloved child. And help to reinforce the changes we have made in our minds and heart since she left.  Today we are anxiously awaiting the NEXT move on the state's part, which is for our therapist to meet with her therapist on August 24th, and THEN we'll know what happens next.

We are still fighting the shame we feel for having made the decision to have her removed, with the realization that we worked hard to come to that decision and felt it was the necessary thing that had to happen. Even our therapist agreed: "What else could you do? You weren't given any other options!" We agree, and feel like we are now grateful that the state made this therapist and my husband, a former LDS bishop, get our own therapist. Maybe NOW we will have an advocate.

We still feel certain that trying to get Madison back into our lives IS the right step. And we believe wholeheartedly that Madison WILL come back to be apart of her family. And even if you take inspiration from the Lord out of it, you could look at it this way:  She is in foster care. In four years, she will be set free, if nothing changes, to be part of NO one's family. Young adults in that position do NOT do well. (Again, a high percentage of them end up in jail, on drugs, or pregnant.) This is why, more than anything, we wanted to provide a home for Madison, and maybe another child someday.  It hurts to think ANYONE wouldn't have a loving family to turn to throughout their lives.

YES, we are sad we weren't ready for Madison at the time. How we wish we had been! But we're ready now. We believe, though it's likely that Madison doesn't necessarily want to come back, that given time, it will be what she wants too.

Occasionally, we have moments of severe discouragement because it seems like trying to see her again is  chasing a moving target. The state keeps changing what they have agreed to allow. Sometimes we get afraid the time of seeing Madison will NEVER arrive.We know the state is trying to do what they think is best: they say they want the first meeting with Madison to go as well as possible. And believe me, so do we!

So you see, we're just a BIT heart broken. But we know we cannot walk away from her. We tried!! She is OURS in our heart, as much as any of our biological children are. And just like, even with biological children who on occasion keep their distance, you don't give up on them. Ever.

We will never give up on you again Madison. And we hope and pray for you every single day. Just like one of our own. How we look forward to that day when we can tell you that in person.